Cow Slaughtered For Its Bell
Read MoreThe OnionMEADE, KS—Saying the difficult act was necessary so his family wouldn’t be starved for clangs, local farmer Troy…
Category: The Onion
The Needled and the Damaged Son
Read MoreThe OnionThe post The Needled and the Damaged Son appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind…
Child Given First Stock To Learn About Losing Everything Early
Read MoreThe OnionHUNTINGTON, NY—Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly…
Proactive Man Starts Working On Dracula Impression Early So It Ready For Halloween
Read MoreThe OnionBEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark…
Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood
Read MoreThe OnionRENO, NV—Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more “oomph,” local sources fiddling under the…
U.S. Cancels Bird Flu Vaccine
Read MoreThe OnionThe Trump administration canceled a contract awarded to Moderna for the late-stage development of its bird flu vaccine…
Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease
Read MoreThe OnionA study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early…
Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard…
Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum
Read MoreThe OnionMEMPHIS, TN—In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened…
Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams
Read MoreThe OnionSinger-songwriter Gracie Abrams is currently touring to promote her album The Secret Of Us. Here is everything you…