God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope
Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our…
Category: The Onion
Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already
Read MoreThe OnionWORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer…
Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of…
Colossal Squid Caught On Camera In Deep Sea For First Time
Read MoreThe OnionThe colossal squid, the heaviest invertebrate in the world, was captured on video swimming in the deep sea…
TikTok Trend Urges Americans To Buy Directly From Chinese Manufacturers
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Trump’s trade war has inspired a new TikTok trend of Chinese manufacturers encouraging shoppers to buy direct…
‘Severance’ Creator Says Next Season Of Show Will Solely Be Released As TV Recaps On Vulture.com
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Saying the new format would help him present the series as he had always intended, Severance creator…
4 Men Caught Smuggling Hundreds Of Ants
Read MoreThe OnionFour ant smugglers pleaded guilty after being caught by the Kenyan Wildlife Service attempting to sneak hundreds of…
Scientists Identify Most Bitter-Tasting Substance
Read MoreThe OnionFood scientists discovered that Postia stiptica, a type of mushroom found in the U.K. and Ireland, contains a…
Even Investigators Not Sure Why They Keep Releasing Details Of Gene Hackman’s Death
Read MoreThe OnionSANTA FE, NM—Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the…
Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked
Read MoreThe OnionAMESVILLE, OH—Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small…