Galapagos Tortoises Become First-Time Parents At 100
Read MoreThe OnionA pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, with…
Category: The Onion
White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers
Read MoreThe OnionThe post White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and…
Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5
Read MoreThe OnionMega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a…
Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency appeared first on…
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the…
Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale
Read MoreThe OnionSAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators…
Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison
Read MoreThe OnionGREENBELT, MD—Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration…
3-Year-Old Discovers 3,800-Year-Old Amulet While On Family Outing
Read MoreThe OnionA 3-year-old girl found a scarab-shaped Canaanite amulet dating back some 3,800 years while on a hike with…
Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—As the Trump administration continues to alter the version of American history that appears in government publications, sources…
Sam Mendes Admits Idea For 4 Beatles Biopics Conceived Before He Heard About TV
Read MoreThe OnionREADING, ENGLAND—Calling his ignorance “a major oversight,” filmmaker Sam Mendes admitted Monday that he conceived his idea for…