Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer
Read MoreThe OnionSPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local…
Category: The Onion
Dunkin’ Pastries Included In Massive Recall
Read MoreThe OnionThe U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and…
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced…
Man So Hungry He Could Eat An Orange
Read MoreThe OnionHARTFORD, CT—Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous…
GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation
Read MoreThe OnionThe post GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical…
Report: Honestly, Man You Saw Get Hit By Bus Can’t Stop Thinking About You Either
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources…
Long Time No Semen
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Long Time No Semen appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed…
Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses
Read MoreThe OnionST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local…
Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City’s Hungover Residents
Read MoreThe OnionPHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to…
Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than Whiskey
Read MoreThe OnionColombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is “not worse than whiskey” and that…