Trump Offers Undocumented Immigrants $1,000 To Leave Country
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Donald Trump’s administration said that it is going to pay immigrants who are in the United States…
Category: The Onion
Trump Orders Reopening Of Alcatraz
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Donald Trump is directing the reopening and expansion of Alcatraz, the notorious former prison on a hard-to-reach…
Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a…
Couple Debates Ethical Implications Of Bringing Another Child Into This Bar
Read MoreThe OnionAUGUSTA, GA—Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine…
Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump…
Cooper Flagg’s Agent Negotiates 10% Increase In Textbook Buyback Value At Duke Bookstore
Read MoreThe OnionDURHAM, NC—Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid…
Study Finds Ozempic May Reduce Signs Of Fatty Liver Disease
Read MoreThe OnionA study in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that semaglutides, such as Ozempic and Wegovy, may…
‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up
Read MoreThe OnionEDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that…
Trump Revokes PBS Funding After Antique Grandfather Clock Receives Meager Appraisal
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Signing the executive order just minutes after storming off the set, President Donald Trump revoked federal funding for…