‘Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,’ Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things
Read MoreThe OnionCLEVELAND—In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no…
Category: The Onion
Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine
Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that…
Trump Plans To Sell $5 Million Gold Card Visa To Attract Rich Foreigners
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Trump said he will introduce a new “gold card” visa to attract wealthy foreigners to America, which…
Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout
Read MoreThe OnionHIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and…
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won’t Be Upsetting Anymore
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child,…
Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department…
All Of The Changes Coming To Starbucks
Read MoreThe OnionIn an effort to win back customers and boost profits, Starbucks’ new CEO Brian Niccol is implementing sweeping…
Study Finds Revving Corvette Outside Her Office Best Way To Show Ex What She’s Missing
Read MoreThe OnionBOSTON—In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and…
AARP Wondering If Anyone Will Notice Kathy Bates On Cover For 9th Issue In Row
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered…
Mitch McConnell Won’t Seek Reelection In 2026
Read MoreThe OnionRepublican Senator Mitch McConnell announced that he won’t seek reelection next year, ending a decades-long tenure as a…