Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease
Read MoreThe OnionA study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early…
Category: The Onion
Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard…
Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum
Read MoreThe OnionMEMPHIS, TN—In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened…
Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams
Read MoreThe OnionSinger-songwriter Gracie Abrams is currently touring to promote her album The Secret Of Us. Here is everything you…
‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism
Read MoreThe OnionPORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson,…
What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning’
Read MoreThe OnionMission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The…
New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency…
Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood
Read MoreThe OnionAUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that he had “done enough,” billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a…
Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner
Read MoreThe OnionMINNEAPOLIS—Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move…
Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It
Read MoreThe OnionORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that…