Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame,…
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Basic Woman’s Entire Personality Revolves Around Things She Enjoys
Read MoreThe OnionNORFOLK, VA—Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed…
JD Vance Reminded Caddies Not Allowed In Clubhouse
Read MoreThe OnionWEST PALM BEACH, FL—Finding himself stopped upon entering a building at the Trump International Golf Club, Vice President…
Dejected Schumer Superfan Can’t Believe He Dropped $10,000 On VIP Party Package
Read MoreThe OnionBALTIMORE—In the wake of news that the New York senator had postponed his book tour amid controversy over…
Overdue Library Book Returned After 99 Years
Read MoreThe OnionAn 81-year-old woman returned an overdue book to a New Jersey library after discovering it among her grandfather’s…
Oversized Leprechaun Hat Left At Home On St. Patrick’s Day To Avoid Damaging It
Read MoreThe OnionCLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he…
128 New Moons Found Orbiting Saturn
Read MoreThe OnionAstronomers have discovered over 100 additional moons orbiting Saturn, bringing the gas giant’s total to 274. What do…
JD Vance’s French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Failing to receive the reaction he anticipated from audience members, JD Vance was booed at the John F.…
RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and…
Tennessee Man Shot By Dog
Read MoreThe OnionA Memphis man was recently grazed by a bullet in his home after his 1-year-old pit bull, Oreo,…