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Tag: breaking

The US is taking over Venezuela and eyeing Greenland like a real estate flip show — and somehow the Dow is still dreaming of 50k
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

The US is taking over Venezuela and eyeing Greenland like a real estate flip show — and somehow the Dow is still dreaming of 50k

Big ElephantJanuary 12, 2026January 12, 2026

Dow Hits 50K Amid Chaos: Trump’s Venezuela Victory, Greenland Threat & Ice Moms Spark Stock Market Orgy In a stunning…

NAPALM DEATH Is Recording Demos For Band’s Seventeenth Studio Album (And The Sound Of Your Soul Screaming Is Inspiration)
Breaking, Music News

NAPALM DEATH Is Recording Demos For Band’s Seventeenth Studio Album (And The Sound Of Your Soul Screaming Is Inspiration)

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 11, 2026January 11, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: NAPALM DEATH ENTERS STUDIO TO RECORD ALBUM #17, WORLD STILL NOT READY FOR THE AURAL ASSAULT 🚨 💥…

2026 Innovations in Regulatory Science Summit
Events

2026 Innovations in Regulatory Science Summit

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: Silicon Valley Brainiacs to Gather at UCSF for Annual “How to Get Drugs Approved Faster” Convention 🚨 The…

Events

MLK Day of Service: Because Apparently We Still Need to Remind People to Do Basic Decent Things

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: Orlando to host MLK Day “Million Meal Pack” — because nothing says “I Have a Dream” like assembling…

Nintendo Switch 2: Our 2026 Wishlist of Hopes, Dreams, and Mildly Unreasonable Demands
Breaking, Games News

Nintendo Switch 2: Our 2026 Wishlist of Hopes, Dreams, and Mildly Unreasonable Demands

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 11, 2026January 11, 2026

Behold, the Nintendo Switch 2 has been alive for a whole six months — a milestone so grand, we’re practically…

2026 Golden Globes: The Winners (Because Apparently Someone Still Cares)
Breaking, Movie News

2026 Golden Globes: The Winners (Because Apparently Someone Still Cares)

FinnJanuary 11, 2026January 11, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: Hollywood’s Most Prestigious Night of Questionable Decisions Approaches 🚨 😱🎬 Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone who just wants to…

SNOT Finally Got a New Singer ANDY KNAPP and Spat Out Five Songs—Album Info Will Probably Drop When Hell Freezes Over
Breaking, Music News

SNOT Finally Got a New Singer ANDY KNAPP and Spat Out Five Songs—Album Info Will Probably Drop When Hell Freezes Over

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 11, 2026January 11, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: SNOT COMPLETES FIVE NEW SONGS, REVOLUTIONIZES HEAVY METAL (OR AT LEAST THEIR GARAGE) 🚨 🤘🎸 In a shocking…

How AI Can Save Small Businesses Time and Money (Or Just Give Them More Time to Scroll TikTok)
Events

How AI Can Save Small Businesses Time and Money (Or Just Give Them More Time to Scroll TikTok)

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨BREAKING: NJ Business Action Center Hosts AI Webinar to Teach Small Biz Owners How to Not Get Replaced by Robots…

Healthy & Happier
Events

Healthy & Happier

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: Joe Wicks will now tell you how to be happy (ZOOM EDITION) 🚨 💪😂 Tune in Jan 14,…

2026 China FIC Innovation & Collaboration Summit Where Bureaucrats and Buzzwords Unite
Events

2026 China FIC Innovation & Collaboration Summit Where Bureaucrats and Buzzwords Unite

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨BREAKING: Chinese drugmakers unleash $100B licensing frenzy, still only 10% of pipelines get the party started! 🥟💉 🇨🇳💰 In 2025,…

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  • CHARLIE BENANTE Obviously The Real Brain Behind PANTERA Hopes To Bless The World With More PANTERA Music Because Lets Be Real He’s The Only One Who Actually Mattered Anyway

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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