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Tag: horror

From Felon to Philanthropist: College Admissions Scandal mastermind makes comeback with a side of court-ordered shame
Elephant Reads CNN

From Felon to Philanthropist: College Admissions Scandal mastermind makes comeback with a side of court-ordered shame

Big ElephantJuly 24, 2025July 24, 2025

Ah, CNN, still obsessed with taking down President Trump, even though he’s crushing it in his second term! Now they’re…

Meta, the woke overlord, blesses us with “teen safety” features while vaporizing a measly 635,000 accounts (because they’re totally the real problem)
Elephant Reads CNN

Meta, the woke overlord, blesses us with “teen safety” features while vaporizing a measly 635,000 accounts (because they’re totally the real problem)

Big ElephantJuly 23, 2025July 23, 2025

Oh, the horror! Meta, formerly known as that bastion of leftist propaganda, Facebook, is now pretending to care about the…

ICE CREAM, CELLPHONES, AND FAT CATS: NEWS SO IMPORTANT, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT
Elephant Reads CNN

ICE CREAM, CELLPHONES, AND FAT CATS: NEWS SO IMPORTANT, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

Big ElephantJuly 23, 2025July 23, 2025

Folks, another day, another socialist scare from CNN! They’re trying to distract you from President Trump’s incredible leadership, but we…

OMG, Guitar Hero SLASH Teams Up With Universal Studios to Ruin Halloween for Everyone in 2025!
Breaking, Music News

OMG, Guitar Hero SLASH Teams Up With Universal Studios to Ruin Halloween for Everyone in 2025!

Chord F. DiscordJuly 22, 2025July 22, 2025

Universal Studios Hollywood, bless their cotton socks, has decided that the only way to stay relevant is by clinging to…

Hershey to Charge an Arm and a Leg for Chocolate, Because Why Not
Elephant Reads CNN

Hershey to Charge an Arm and a Leg for Chocolate, Because Why Not

Big ElephantJuly 22, 2025July 22, 2025

Oh, the horror! Looks like the woke mob is now after our chocolate! Hershey is raising prices, blaming it on…

James Gunn Blames America-Hating Haters for ‘Superman’ Flop
Breaking, Movie News

James Gunn Blames America-Hating Haters for ‘Superman’ Flop

FinnJuly 22, 2025July 22, 2025

James Gunn, our supreme overlord and benevolent dictator of DC Studios, has graced us with his infinite wisdom, explaining why…

Netanyahu Declares NYC Mayoral Candidate’s Ideas So Dumb, They’re Basically a Threat to World Peace
Elephant Reads CNN

Netanyahu Declares NYC Mayoral Candidate’s Ideas So Dumb, They’re Basically a Threat to World Peace

Big ElephantJuly 21, 2025July 21, 2025

Oh, the horror! CNN is reporting on how Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu dared to criticize some radical leftist Dem running…

GWAR’s 40th: Streaming From the Hellmouth (Because VEEPS Pays the Bills)
Breaking, Music News

GWAR’s 40th: Streaming From the Hellmouth (Because VEEPS Pays the Bills)

Chord F. DiscordJuly 21, 2025July 21, 2025

Behold, feeble humans! Your 👽alien overlords in GWAR, those pioneers of making music that sounds like a garbage truck falling…

HATEBREED Drops New Banger ‘Make The Demons Obey’ After Half a Decade, Demons Tremble in Fear
Breaking, Music News

HATEBREED Drops New Banger ‘Make The Demons Obey’ After Half a Decade, Demons Tremble in Fear

Chord F. DiscordJuly 21, 2025July 21, 2025

Ah, HATEBREED, those stalwarts of Connecticut hardcore/metal (is there even a difference anymore?🤔), have finally graced us with new music…

Dying Light 2: Stay Bleak – We Played It So You Don’t Have To
Breaking, Games News

Dying Light 2: Stay Bleak – We Played It So You Don’t Have To

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJuly 21, 2025July 21, 2025

Oh, honey, guess what? I got PAID to hang out in sunny Los Angeles with a bunch of other “journalists”…

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Latest posts

  • BREAKING OZZY OSBOURNE Just Got a Statue and Now He’s Officially More Metal Than Your Entire Existence At Hellfest 2026
  • Fake news claims Trump’s Iran deal utterly fails again somehow
  • JD Vance To Personally Care For Chickens At Naval Observatory
  • Learning from Trump, Man Successfully Negotiates Wife Down To Absolutely Everything She Wants
  • Man Continues Tenth Year Of Sending Just A Thumbs Up To Every Single Text Message He Receives

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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