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The Holiday Edit: A Houston Market’s Desperate Attempt to Sell You Stuff You Don’t Need
Events

The Holiday Edit: A Houston Market’s Desperate Attempt to Sell You Stuff You Don’t Need

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 20, 2025

🚨 ATTENTION HOUSTON SHOPPING ZOMBIES: The Holiday Edit Market is Back to Save You from Another Soul-Crushing Mall Trip! 🚨…

CRL: Culturally Responsive Leadership (NSCC C)
Events

CRL: Culturally Responsive Leadership (NSCC C)

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 19, 2025

🚨BREAKING: Adults Required to Attend Zoom Meeting About Being Less Clueless in Daycare! 🚨 In a bold move to combat…

MAX CAVALERA Can’t Handle Lyric Writing: ‘It’s Like Doing Taxes for the Devil’
Breaking, Music News

MAX CAVALERA Can’t Handle Lyric Writing: ‘It’s Like Doing Taxes for the Devil’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 19, 2025December 19, 2025

Max Cavalera Finally Admits What We All Suspected: Lyrics Are Just Glorified Homework (And He’s Definitely Not Getting an A+)…

Former Classmates Recall the Brown Shooter as a Genius-level Jerk We All Couldn’t Stand
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Former Classmates Recall the Brown Shooter as a Genius-level Jerk We All Couldn’t Stand

Big ElephantDecember 19, 2025December 19, 2025

Leftist Ivy League Brainiac Snaps After Years of Being Forced to Pretend His Marxist Professors Were Smart Another day, another…

Ring in 2025 at Texan Taco Bar’s West Loop Fiesta – Where the Tacos Are Spicy and the Crowds Are Even Spicier
Events

Ring in 2025 at Texan Taco Bar’s West Loop Fiesta – Where the Tacos Are Spicy and the Crowds Are Even Spicier

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 19, 2025

Attention party animals, drama kings, and those who definitely need a designated driver: The 2025 New Year’s Eve bash at…

The LA Hangover: All Black Party
Events

The LA Hangover: All Black Party

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 19, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Adults in LA Can Finally Nap in Public Without Judgment at This ‘Pajama Party’ 🚨 📅 May 31,…

AMORPHIS Drops ‘Crowned in Crimson’ Because Apparently Kalevala Needed a Soundtrack From 2008
Breaking, Music News

AMORPHIS Drops ‘Crowned in Crimson’ Because Apparently Kalevala Needed a Soundtrack From 2008

Chord F. DiscordDecember 19, 2025December 19, 2025

Move Over, Hollywood: Amorphis Just Dropped a Power Ballad So Cinematic It Might Actually Summon a Bear From the Kalevala…

Ben Shapiro and Tucker Carlson Get Into a Gladiatorial Spat Over Who Gets to Wear the MAGA Crown
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Ben Shapiro and Tucker Carlson Get Into a Gladiatorial Spat Over Who Gets to Wear the MAGA Crown

Big ElephantDecember 19, 2025December 19, 2025

Leftists, Globalists, and Grifters Unite: TPUSA’s AmericaFest Becomes MAGA Soap Opera After Kirk’s Assassination PHOENIX — In a nation still…

The Best Christmas Movies for People Who Hate Christmas Movies
Breaking, Movie News

The Best Christmas Movies for People Who Hate Christmas Movies

FinnDecember 19, 2025December 19, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: A HOLIDAY MOVIE LIST FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE A SOUL (OR AT LEAST A SENSE OF HUMOR)…

Kennedy Center Officially Renamed to Trump’s Ego Palace of Performing Arts
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Kennedy Center Officially Renamed to Trump’s Ego Palace of Performing Arts

Big ElephantDecember 19, 2025December 19, 2025

Trump Finally Fixes Another Liberal Disaster: Kennedy Center Gets a Much-Needed Dose of MAGA Greatness In a stunning move that…

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Latest posts

  • Liberal Wilmington descends into chaos, 2 shot, what a shock
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  • Because Your Sunday Funday Wasnt Complete Without a Traphouse Brunch Rooftop Day Party to Annoy the Neighbors
  • Because adulting is hard lets give people money to fix their feelings
  • Mikal Bridges Wakes Up From 4-Day Bender Next To Dead Jimmy Fallon

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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