WEDNESDAY 13: ‘I’ve Learned How To Adapt (By Selling Out)’
Oh, look, it’s Wednesday 13, the guy who peaked in the early 2000s and is STILL talking about MURDERDOLLS. In…
Jackal.Today satirical news site
Jackal.Today satirical news site
Oh, look, it’s Wednesday 13, the guy who peaked in the early 2000s and is STILL talking about MURDERDOLLS. In…
IN FLAMES, those Swedish purveyors of… something… have apparently decided their drum stool needed a new occupant, so they’ve conscripted…
🎸Maryland Deathfest 2025: Vodka, Moshpit & Slavic Mayhem🔥
🛫 We’re a Russian-Belarusian horde of metalheads — and we stormed Baltimore for the greatest death metal festival of the millennium!
It all started normally:
🫠Hungover cab ride to the airport;
👊 Vodka in plastic cups mid-flight.
We landed — and our people were already waiting with bread, borscht, vodka shots, and hangover potions 💊
🔥 The pregame ritual went full Slavic warrior mode:
☠️ Vodka — mandatory;
🥪 Snacks — approved by a Minsk grandma;
🥩 Liver — waved the white flag before the first band hit the stage.
Then came Maryland Deathfest:
💀 Sound heavy enough to summon the apocalypse
🤘 Moshpit chaos — we lost track of time and one Belarusian (we found him near the porta-potty)
🍑 Leather, chains, and demonic booties — our necks hurt, but not from headbanging
🍻 We drank like it was Ragnarok. Maybe it was.
Final score:
⏰ Time — lost.
👂🏼 Eardrums — destroyed.
𐀪𐀪 Friendships — forged in fire and vodka.
MDF 2025 broke us. MDF 2026 — we’re still coming!
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Ahoy, Prog-Rock Losers! 🛳️ Get ready to drain your trust funds and max out your credit cards because Cruise To…
PARADISE LOST, those lovable British pioneers of moping around in graveyards, have apparently fired their drummer of the past two…