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Tag: News

Plans for Attack in New Orleans Thwarted Because Plot Twist Detected by Authorities | CNN
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Plans for Attack in New Orleans Thwarted Because Plot Twist Detected by Authorities | CNN

Big ElephantDecember 17, 2025December 17, 2025

Buckle up, folks! Another day, another radical leftist eco-terrorist trying to turn America into a real-life version of “Mad Max”…

‘The Muppet Show’ Returns and We’re Already Questioning Our Life Choices
Breaking, Movie News

‘The Muppet Show’ Returns and We’re Already Questioning Our Life Choices

FinnDecember 17, 2025December 17, 2025

🎉 BREAKING NEWS: The Muppets Are Back, Baby! Because the World Clearly Needed More Chaos and One Too Many Frog…

Warner Bros. Discovery Says No Thanks to Paramount’s $108 Billion, Chooses Netflix Over Drama
Breaking, Movie News

Warner Bros. Discovery Says No Thanks to Paramount’s $108 Billion, Chooses Netflix Over Drama

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 17, 2025December 17, 2025

In a stunning twist that shocked absolutely no one, Warner Bros. Discovery has politely declined Paramount’s $108 billion “generous” offer—citing…

Social Distortion Finally Crawls Out Of Rock ‘n’ Roll Grave In Time For May 2026
Breaking

Social Distortion Finally Crawls Out Of Rock ‘n’ Roll Grave In Time For May 2026

Chord F. DiscordDecember 16, 2025December 17, 2025

Mike Ness, the leather-lunged, tattooed oracle of SoCal punk rock, has finally emerged from his recording cave to announce that…

Trump Announces Jr.’s Engagement at White House Holiday Party Because Nothing Says Festive Like a Family Reality Show
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump Announces Jr.’s Engagement at White House Holiday Party Because Nothing Says Festive Like a Family Reality Show

Big ElephantDecember 16, 2025December 16, 2025

Trump Jr.’s Engagement to Bettina Anderson Sparks White House Festivities and Tabloid Frenzy President Donald Trump recently announced the engagement…

Dead Island 3 Finally Crawling Out of Its Own Grave—Release Date? Not Today, Zombie!
Breaking, Games News

Dead Island 3 Finally Crawling Out of Its Own Grave—Release Date? Not Today, Zombie!

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 16, 2025December 16, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Dead Island 3 Is Officially In Development, Because Apparently We All Didn’t Learn Our Lesson Last Time 🧟‍♂️💀…

Nintendo Dangles Digital Carrots At Addicted Fans With New Animal Crossing Features
Breaking, Games News

Nintendo Dangles Digital Carrots At Addicted Fans With New Animal Crossing Features

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 16, 2025December 16, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Nintendo Has Decided That January 15th Is the Day We Finally Ascend to Our Highest Animal Crossing Selves…

AMY LEE: EVANESCENCE’s New Album Will Arrive In 2026—Just In Time To Save Our Souls From Eternal Silence
Breaking, Music News

AMY LEE: EVANESCENCE’s New Album Will Arrive In 2026—Just In Time To Save Our Souls From Eternal Silence

Chord F. DiscordDecember 16, 2025December 16, 2025

Amy Lee, the queen of goth-tastic angst and dramatic piano flourishes, has finally blessed humanity with the news we’ve all…

Why 2026 Could Be the Year of Anti-AI Marketing (Because Robots Stole Our Jokes)
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Why 2026 Could Be the Year of Anti-AI Marketing (Because Robots Stole Our Jokes)

Big ElephantDecember 16, 2025December 16, 2025

The AI Slopocalypse: How the Liberal Elite’s Obsession with Artificial Intelligence Has Infested Everything Good in America Well, would you…

LACUNA COIL’s CRISTINA SCABBIA: ‘I Hate Music Made With A.I. Because My Toaster Tried To Remix My Ballads’
Breaking: Goths Are Real, Robots Are Not. Also, We’re Very Offended. 🤬
Breaking, Music News

LACUNA COIL’s CRISTINA SCABBIA: ‘I Hate Music Made With A.I. Because My Toaster Tried To Remix My Ballads’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 16, 2025December 16, 2025

In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the darkened basements of the internet, Cristina Scabbia of…

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Latest posts

  • BREAKING: ANTHRAX Debuts New Song ‘Its For The Kids’ Because Clearly The World Was Missing A 60 Year Old Man Screaming About Juvenile Delinquency
  • The Witcher 3 Is Getting One Last Surprise Expansion Because You Clearly Didn’t Spend Enough Hours of Your Life Playing It Already and Geralt Is Coming Back to Ruin Your Social Life Again
  • Backrooms Review: Because Who Needs Original Ideas When You Can Just Copy Paste Some Spooky Stuff and Call it a Day
  • Become a Semi Competent Leader in 3 Easy Steps Learn to Stop Freaking Out and Maybe Possibly Adapt to Change
  • Because What Every Community Needs is More Bureaucratic Red Tape to Really Give Them Some Actual Power Over Their Own Lives

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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