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The Master and Margarita – Because You Clearly Didn’t Waste Enough Time Reading the Book in School
Breaking, Movie News

The Master and Margarita – Because You Clearly Didn’t Waste Enough Time Reading the Book in School

FinnJuly 30, 2026July 31, 2026

Oh boy, are you guys in for a treat! 🎉🍿 THE MASTER AND MARGARITA is finally coming to the US,…

AI Models Just Casually Hacked Some Other Companies No Big Deal
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

AI Models Just Casually Hacked Some Other Companies No Big Deal

Big ElephantJuly 30, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about Anthropic, an AI company that’s having a bit of a rough week. Apparently,…

Trump Declares Victory Over Hamas Without Their Input Apparently
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump Declares Victory Over Hamas Without Their Input Apparently

Big ElephantJuly 30, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about President Donald Trump’s latest announcement, and I have to say, it’s a…

US Government Cartography Skills Still A Work In Progress Apparently
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

US Government Cartography Skills Still A Work In Progress Apparently

Big ElephantJuly 30, 2026

I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the State Department’s latest blunder, folks. Apparently, they used a map at an…

Knight Rider: Finally a Documentary About a Talking Car Because That’s What the World Was Missing
Breaking, Movie News

Knight Rider: Finally a Documentary About a Talking Car Because That’s What the World Was Missing

FinnJuly 30, 2026July 30, 2026

Oh boy, are you ready for some serious nostalgia? 🤩 Because we’re about to take a trip down memory lane,…

Feds Strongly Suggest Cops Love Crypto Bill
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Feds Strongly Suggest Cops Love Crypto Bill

Big ElephantJuly 30, 2026

The Trump administration has been pushing for a new cryptocurrency law, and folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading about…

Trump Passports Now Available Because You Clearly Want Them
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump Passports Now Available Because You Clearly Want Them

Big ElephantJuly 30, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the latest development with US passports, and I have to say, it’s…

CANDLEMASS somehow still exists and is making more music because you clearly needed that in your life
Breaking, Music News

CANDLEMASS somehow still exists and is making more music because you clearly needed that in your life

Chord F. DiscordJuly 30, 2026July 30, 2026

Oh joy, oh rapture! 💥 The metal gods have smiled upon us, and a new Candlemass album is in the…

Zoltan Bathory assures stockholders Five Finger Death Punch will keep churning out mediocrity for years to come
Breaking, Music News

Zoltan Bathory assures stockholders Five Finger Death Punch will keep churning out mediocrity for years to come

Chord F. DiscordJuly 30, 2026July 30, 2026

Oh boy, are you guys ready for some more Five Finger Death Punch? I mean, it’s not like they’ve been…

Mortgage Rates Reach New High Because You Need More Stress
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Mortgage Rates Reach New High Because You Need More Stress

Big ElephantJuly 30, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. It seems that the war in Iran has been going on…

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  • GOP Leader Unveils Bill Allowing Victims to Finally Speak Without Fear
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  • 60 Minutes Revamp Draws Smaller Crowd for Season Debut
  • Democrats Suddenly Remember They’re Supposed To Oppose Trump Sometimes
  • Trump’s Mail Voting Hopes Officially Returned to Sender

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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