New Polls Show Dead Heat Between ‘Make Everything Worse’ Candidate And ‘Fix Everything’ Candidate
U.S. — New polling data in an ongoing political race showed a dead heat between the “Make Everything Worse”…
Category: Babylon Bee
Father Gathers Loved Ones To Break The News That He’s Getting Really Into The Civil War
BANGOR, ME — Local dad David Kemp gathered his family together today to break the news to them that…
Smart Man Saves Time By Getting Angry Now Instead Of Waiting Until All The Facts Are Known
ALTOONA, PA — Local man Ted Woods got tired of all the time spent getting angry online. “There’s always…
London Mayor Confused By Protesters Not Chanting ‘Death To Jews’
LONDON — London Mayor Sadiq Khan was deeply confused by protests over the weekend where no one was shouting…
Associated Press Warns That Trebuchets Are Exempt From U.S. Gun Laws
U.S. — The Associated Press has warned that despite their deadly nature, medieval trebuchets are mostly exempt from firearm…
Uncultured Philistine Declines To Have Ice Cream Served In Waffle Cone
TUCSON, AZ — Local man Dale Swanson declined to have his double scoops of mint chocolate chip and strawberry…
Kids Excited To Learn Of Cool Alternative To Vaping Called ‘Smoking Cigarettes’
U.S. — Teenagers across the nation are discovering a hip new alternative to vaping, called “smoking cigarettes.” U.S. —…
Millennial Figures Out How To Use ‘6-7,’ Signaling The End Of The Fad
FT. WORTH, TX — Local millennial Chad McCallister finally figured out how to appropriately use “6-7” in casual conversation,…
Disney Purchases Rights To ‘Robot Jox’ Franchise In Blockbuster $7 Billion Deal
BURBANK, CA — In a surprise movie, The Walt Disney Company announced that it had acquired the rights to…
‘The New York Times’ Updates Slogan To ‘All The News That’s Fit To Print Plus Any Rumor No Matter How Implausible’
NEW YORK, NY — The New York Times, one of the country’s most venerated newspapers, announced it was adapting…