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Category: Breaking

Larry Summers Gets Cancelled (Like We Didn’t See That Coming)
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Larry Summers Gets Cancelled (Like We Didn’t See That Coming)

Big ElephantDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

Another one bites the dust! Looks like the swamp monster Larry Summers, former Clinton crony and Harvard bigwig, is finally…

Republicans Hilariously Backpedal Faster Than a Roadrunner on the Double-Tap Debacle | CNN Politics
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Republicans Hilariously Backpedal Faster Than a Roadrunner on the Double-Tap Debacle | CNN Politics

Big ElephantDecember 3, 2025December 3, 2025

Here we go again, folks! The liberal media (aka CNN, or as I like to call them, the Communist News…

Guillermo Del Toro Throws Shade at AI Art, Declares War on Robots in Hollywood
Breaking, Movie News

Guillermo Del Toro Throws Shade at AI Art, Declares War on Robots in Hollywood

FinnDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Guillermo del Toro, the cinematic genius (or so he thinks 🙄), took a break from patting himself on the back…

MAYHEM Drops a Real Downer, “Despair,” from Their Joyless “Liturgy of Death” Album
Breaking, Music News

MAYHEM Drops a Real Downer, “Despair,” from Their Joyless “Liturgy of Death” Album

Chord F. DiscordDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Get ready, posers, because the corpse-painted clowns 🤡 in MAYHEM are back with their SEVENTH studio album, “Liturgy Of Death”,…

Sabrina Carpenter Throws Shade at White House for Being Tone-Deaf and Using Her Bop in Cringe Political Ad
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Sabrina Carpenter Throws Shade at White House for Being Tone-Deaf and Using Her Bop in Cringe Political Ad

Big ElephantDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Another day, another snowflake meltdown! The White House, in its infinite wisdom, used some bubblegum pop song in a video…

‘Ukraine vs Russia: A Totally Fair Fight (Spoiler: It’s Not)’
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

‘Ukraine vs Russia: A Totally Fair Fight (Spoiler: It’s Not)’

Big ElephantDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Oh, the horror! CNN is clutching its pearls over Russia supposedly erasing Ukrainian culture. You know, because sending billions in…

ICE to Round Up Minnesota’s “Finest” Somalis, Feds Say, LOL
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

ICE to Round Up Minnesota’s “Finest” Somalis, Feds Say, LOL

Big ElephantDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Another day, another attempt by the Fake News media to undermine President Trump’s efforts to secure our nation! ICE is…

Keanu Reeves’s band DOGSTAR (lol) Announces Spring/Summer 2026 European Tour (get your earplugs ready)
Breaking, Music News

Keanu Reeves’s band DOGSTAR (lol) Announces Spring/Summer 2026 European Tour (get your earplugs ready)

Chord F. DiscordDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

So, Keanu Reeves, bless his heart, decided that saving the world as John Wick wasn’t enough. Now he’s back with…

Outward 2: Still Somehow Alive and Kicking (Your Butt)
Breaking, Games News

Outward 2: Still Somehow Alive and Kicking (Your Butt)

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Okay, so I begrudgingly loaded up Outward 2, fully expecting to hate every single polygon of its existence. I mean,…

David Lowery’s ‘Mother Mary’ Trailer Drops, and We’re All Pretending to Be Excited
Breaking, Movie News

David Lowery’s ‘Mother Mary’ Trailer Drops, and We’re All Pretending to Be Excited

FinnDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

Oh honey, hold onto your wigs because the trailer for David Lowery’s “MOTHER MARY” just dropped, and it’s serving… something…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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