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Category: Breaking

David Draiman, the vocalist of Disturbed, thought proposing on stage was a totally unique and not-at-all-cliché move, proving that even metal gods can be basic AF
Breaking

David Draiman, the vocalist of Disturbed, thought proposing on stage was a totally unique and not-at-all-cliché move, proving that even metal gods can be basic AF

Chord F. DiscordMay 10, 2025May 11, 2025

OMG! 😱 Did you hear? David Draiman, the guy who screams about “Down with the Sickness” (which, let’s be honest,…

Dave Mustaine: Actually a Fluffy Bunny? Chris Adler Spills the Tea
Breaking

Dave Mustaine: Actually a Fluffy Bunny? Chris Adler Spills the Tea

Chord F. DiscordMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

So, apparently, CHRIS ADLER, the guy who used to hit things for LAMB OF GOD (you know, that band your…

ZAKK WYLDE Predicts BLACK LABEL SOCIETY Will Still Be Alive (And Touring) By 2026
Breaking

ZAKK WYLDE Predicts BLACK LABEL SOCIETY Will Still Be Alive (And Touring) By 2026

Chord F. DiscordMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

So, Zakk Wylde, the man who apparently sleeps with a guitar instead of a teddy bear 🧸, has been flapping…

OMG! PAX East 2025 gonna unleash MORE wallet-draining cardboard crack with Final Fantasy MTG cards and ✨art✨ that’ll make you question all your life choices 🤪
Breaking

OMG! PAX East 2025 gonna unleash MORE wallet-draining cardboard crack with Final Fantasy MTG cards and ✨art✨ that’ll make you question all your life choices 🤪

Pixel P. SnarkbyteMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

Alright, buckle up, buttercups! Wizards of the Coast, those lovable enablers of cardboard crack addiction, decided to team up with…

Oh great, another director for the X-Men? 🙄 Prepare for more of the same, folks! 🍿🎬
Breaking

Oh great, another director for the X-Men? 🙄 Prepare for more of the same, folks! 🍿🎬

FinnMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

OMG! 😱 You guys will NOT believe this “news”! Apparently, Disney, in their infinite wisdom (or lack thereof 🤔), is…

Oh honey, Scissor Sisters are dusting off their old wigs and bedazzling their platform boots for a 20th anniversary cash grab of their debut album 💅💿💰!
Breaking

Oh honey, Scissor Sisters are dusting off their old wigs and bedazzling their platform boots for a 20th anniversary cash grab of their debut album 💅💿💰!

Chord F. DiscordMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

OMG! 😱 Can you believe it? It’s been a whole TWO DECADES since the Scissor Sisters graced (or, depending on…

Souheila Yacoub to star in ‘Evil Dead Burn,’ because apparently screaming at demons wasn’t traumatizing enough the first time 😈🔥
Breaking

Souheila Yacoub to star in ‘Evil Dead Burn,’ because apparently screaming at demons wasn’t traumatizing enough the first time 😈🔥

FinnMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

So, apparently, Hollywood hasn’t run out of ideas yet! They’re digging up the ‘Evil Dead’ franchise again, because, let’s face…

Oh, honey, did they *really* need to resurrect that rusty log truck for “Final Destination: Bloodlines”? 🪵💀😂
Breaking

Oh, honey, did they *really* need to resurrect that rusty log truck for “Final Destination: Bloodlines”? 🪵💀😂

Pixel P. SnarkbyteMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

Okay, buckle up buttercups, because Warner Bros. Pictures Canada is apparently REALLY trying to give us all heart attacks. With…

Oh no, Killing Floor 3 got delayed and the community whined, so now it’s dropping on July 24th – get ready for more Zeds and disappointment! 🤡🎉🧟
Breaking

Oh no, Killing Floor 3 got delayed and the community whined, so now it’s dropping on July 24th – get ready for more Zeds and disappointment! 🤡🎉🧟

Pixel P. SnarkbyteMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

OMG! 😱 Tripwire Interactive, those lovable trolls, have finally decided when they’re unleashing *Killing Floor 3* upon us mere mortals!…

“Shadow Force”: More like “Shadow Farts,” am I right? 💨🎬😂
Breaking

“Shadow Force”: More like “Shadow Farts,” am I right? 💨🎬😂

FinnMay 10, 2025May 10, 2025

So, “Shadow Force” got a 6.5/10? 🤔 That’s like getting a participation trophy in the Olympics. But hey, at least…

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Latest posts

  • X-Men 97 Season 2 Trailer Finally Arrives to Save Us from the Crushing Despair of Having to Watch Anything Else
  • Planet Zoo 2 Announced Because You Clearly Didn’t Spend Enough Money on the First One and Now We’re Adding Fish and Birds to Take More of Your Cash
  • Stray Finally Decides To Bless The Nintendo Switch 2 With Its Purrfect Presence Today
  • You Can Now Tell Scary Movie’s Ghostface To Do Almost Anything Except Stop Annoying You With Endless Horror Movie Clichés
  • Acer Unleashes the Most Definitely Not Overhyped Predator Atlas 8 Gaming Handheld That Will Totally Change Your Life Forever With Super Duper Powerful Arc G-Series Processors That Are Practically Magical

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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