Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now
BOSTON—In an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton…
Category: The Onion
Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S.
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar…
Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool’s Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry
WASHINGTON—Calling it a shocking attack on our nation’s cultural heritage, critics slammed President Donald Trump Monday for his decision…
Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People
The post Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People appeared first on The Onion. The…
What To Know About Hantavirus
Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The…
Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston
NEW YORK—In an effort to meet growing demand for her nuptials, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced on Instagram Friday…
WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned
KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail…
Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released
A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epstein’s cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to…
Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause
The post Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause appeared first on The Onion. The post…
Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath
LOS ANGELES—Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok…