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Category: The Onion

Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike
The Onion

Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike

FinnMarch 3, 2026

       Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S.…

Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’
The Onion

Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’

FinnMarch 3, 2026

       BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters…

I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent.
The Onion

I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent.

FinnMarch 3, 2026

       Hi, friends! Today, I’d like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it’s not easy raising children. Looking after…

Price Of Teeth Rises
The Onion

Price Of Teeth Rises

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       According to Delta Dental’s new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for…

Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna
The Onion

Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       The post Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna appeared first on The Onion.    The post Trump Creates…

Data Centers By The Numbers
The Onion

Data Centers By The Numbers

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country.…

NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball
The Onion

NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a…

Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter
The Onion

Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Expressing certainty that they wouldn’t make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday…

Dad’s Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005
The Onion

Dad’s Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005

FinnFebruary 27, 2026

       HIALEAH, FL—Despite ready access to an almost inexhaustible archive of exceptional movies, television shows, and print literature, local dad…

Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James
The Onion

Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James

FinnFebruary 27, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Amid shocking materials that include a photo in which the word ‘HELP’ has been spelled out with rocks, seaweed,…

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