University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair
WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S.…
Category: The Onion
98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness
U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to…
Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled
MILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email…
3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant
About 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at…
Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift
LOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy…
Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI
PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told…
Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again
LEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after…
Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line
WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald…
Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance
WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his…
History Of St. Patrick’s Day
Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global…