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Category: The Onion

U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President
The Onion

U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President

FinnMay 21, 2026

       The Department of Justice filed charges, including murder and conspiring to kill U.S. nationals, against former Cuban President Raúl…

Student Council Treasurer’s Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles
The Onion

Student Council Treasurer’s Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles

FinnMay 21, 2026

       SUN PRAIRIE, WI—Struggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election…

OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child
The Onion

OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child

FinnMay 21, 2026

       The post OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child appeared first on The Onion.…

Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’ Spinoff Shoot
The Onion

Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’ Spinoff Shoot

FinnMay 21, 2026

       LOS ANGELES—Flashing her freshly manicured nails in a show of dominance, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills cast member Kyle…

Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder
The Onion

Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder

FinnMay 20, 2026

       LAS VEGAS—His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had…

Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch ‘Mortal Kombat II’ 
The Onion

Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch ‘Mortal Kombat II’ 

FinnMay 19, 2026

       CANNES, FRANCE—Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury…

Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
The Onion

Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works

FinnMay 19, 2026

       FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be,…

BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol
The Onion

BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol

FinnMay 19, 2026

       STANFORD, CA—Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash…

Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair
The Onion

Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair

FinnMay 18, 2026

       HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly…

Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have
The Onion

Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have

FinnMay 18, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have.…

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