Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants
WASHINGTON—In a statement calling for more guardrails around ongoing immigration operations, Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives publicly…
Category: The Onion
Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’
The post Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’ appeared first on The Onion. The post…
Woman Throws Self On Grenade By Answering Call From Dysregulated Friend
MILFORD, MA—Wincing at the blast of guttural sobs erupting from the speaker as she picked up, local woman Anna…
Scientists Witness 2 Dogs Mating For First Time
The post Scientists Witness 2 Dogs Mating For First Time appeared first on The Onion. The post Scientists Witness…
Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit
CHICAGO—Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American…
Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene Rating
Ynyshir, a Welsh restaurant with two Michelin stars, has been given a one star hygiene rating by food standards…
Victoria Beckham Asks Reddit To Explain Beckham Family Feud To Her
LONDON—Determined to get to the bottom of the highly publicized estrangement, fashion designer Victoria Beckham reportedly took to Reddit…
To Noem Is To Love ’Em
The post To Noem Is To Love ’Em appeared first on The Onion. The post To Noem Is To…
Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom
GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released…
White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded…