Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House
WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that…
Category: The Onion
Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives
KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died…
Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave…
Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen
The post Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen appeared first on The Onion. The…
Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats
PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded…
Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell’s Car
The post Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell’s Car appeared first on The Onion. The…
AI-Enabled Teddy Bear Pulled From Shelves For Giving Advice On BDSM, Where To Find Knives
Sales of an AI-enabled plush teddy bear were suspended after it was found to have given children explicit sexual…
Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers
According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for…
RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary…
Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse
BELCHERTOWN, MA—Cautiously eyeing up a nearby mare in what barnyard sources described as a mixture of flirtation and guarded…