Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit
CHICAGO—Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American…
Category: The Onion
Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene Rating
Ynyshir, a Welsh restaurant with two Michelin stars, has been given a one star hygiene rating by food standards…
Victoria Beckham Asks Reddit To Explain Beckham Family Feud To Her
LONDON—Determined to get to the bottom of the highly publicized estrangement, fashion designer Victoria Beckham reportedly took to Reddit…
To Noem Is To Love ’Em
The post To Noem Is To Love ’Em appeared first on The Onion. The post To Noem Is To…
Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom
GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released…
White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded…
Drunk Bears Fan Grating Ram
The post Drunk Bears Fan Grating Ram appeared first on The Onion. The post Drunk Bears Fan Grating Ram…
Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical Tent
The post Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical Tent appeared first on The Onion.…
26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme
Federal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges…
Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S.
So-called “pink cocaine,” a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found…