Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate
Read MoreThe OnionAUSTIN, TX—Realizing that every uterus had already been conquered, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly wept Wednesday, for there…
Category: The Onion
Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Insisting that he deserved a place alongside the iconic visages of the auto supply company’s founders, President Donald…
Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she…
ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review
Read MoreThe OnionSAN DIEGO—Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported…
What’s In Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Donald Trump’s budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate.…
FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle
Read MoreThe OnionSILVER SPRING, MD—Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food…
‘1000-Lb Sisters’ Episode Begins With Disclaimer That Something Wrong With You For Watching
Read MoreThe OnionATLANTA—Reminding you that the views expressed in the show serve as a reflection of your own depravity, a…
Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos
Read MoreThe OnionMADISON, WI—Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team…
Closeted Pride Parade Takes Place In Garage
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Closeted Pride Parade Takes Place In Garage appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical…
Driving Surges In Popularity Thanks To ‘F1’ Film
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by…