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Category: The Onion

Treasury Secretary Bessent Threatens To Punch Senior Trump Official In Face
The Onion

Treasury Secretary Bessent Threatens To Punch Senior Trump Official In Face

FinnSeptember 12, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionTreasury Secretary Scott Bessent erupted at top housing finance official Bill Pulte during a private dinner, threatening to…

Emerald Fennell Assures Fans ‘Wuthering Heights’ Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of ‘Twilight’
The Onion

Emerald Fennell Assures Fans ‘Wuthering Heights’ Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of ‘Twilight’

FinnSeptember 11, 2025September 11, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionLONDON—Promising a “dark, brooding romance,” Wuthering Heights director Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a…

ATP Reveals They’re Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From
The Onion

ATP Reveals They’re Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From

FinnSeptember 10, 2025September 10, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionLONDON—Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to…

Lab Rat
The Onion

Lab Rat

FinnSeptember 9, 2025September 9, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionThe post Lab Rat appeared first on The Onion.   FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of…

Tips For Apple Picking
The Onion

Tips For Apple Picking

FinnSeptember 8, 2025September 8, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionApple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season.…

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter
The Onion

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

FinnSeptember 7, 2025September 7, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionFOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday…

The Onion

Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet

FinnSeptember 5, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump…

The Onion

Mailman Too Old To Be Out There

FinnSeptember 4, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionThe post Mailman Too Old To Be Out There appeared first on The Onion.   FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical…

Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts
The Onion

Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts

FinnSeptember 3, 2025September 3, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionBALTIMORE—Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at…

Couple So Wealthy They Have Own Live-In Children
The Onion

Couple So Wealthy They Have Own Live-In Children

FinnSeptember 2, 2025September 2, 2025

    Read MoreThe OnionWESTFIELD, MA—Saying they had never seen such an ostentatious display, friends attending a barbecue yesterday at the home…

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