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Events

Cafe Misusing “Organic” Label to Sell Hypocritical Lifestyle

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 25, 2026

Ambiente y Cafe is where great cafecito blends with fresh DJ sets and a community full of good vibes! 🎉…

A Completely Objective and Unbiased Ranking Of The Metroid Series That Will Definitely Not Anger Any Fans Whatsoever
Breaking, Games News

A Completely Objective and Unbiased Ranking Of The Metroid Series That Will Definitely Not Anger Any Fans Whatsoever

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 24, 2026January 24, 2026

Welp, 2025 is officially in the rearview mirror, which means we’ve somehow survived another trip around the sun without the…

Expert Answers on Hip & Knee Pain (If You Can Afford the Co-Pay and Wait 3 Months for the Appointment)
Events

Expert Answers on Hip & Knee Pain (If You Can Afford the Co-Pay and Wait 3 Months for the Appointment)

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 23, 2026

🔥 Aching hips? Creaky knees? Drs. Slover & Oh are live at Lenox Hill Hospital on Jan 25th at 6…

Events

The Show Gets 100% More 8-Bit Than Anyone Asked For

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 23, 2026

🚨 SAT. JAN. 24TH 2026 🚨 9PM – 3AM 🚨 Blanc in Hollywood, FL is about to get “100% Sinistar…

Save Your Hearing From The Loud-Ass NAMM Show For Free
Events

Save Your Hearing From The Loud-Ass NAMM Show For Free

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 22, 2026

You have exactly one chance to snag a free NAMM x Eargasm package at the 2026 NAMM Show before it…

Unauthorized Wayne Static Doc Funded by Matt Zane Because Dead Guys Can’t Sue
Breaking, Music News

Unauthorized Wayne Static Doc Funded by Matt Zane Because Dead Guys Can’t Sue

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 22, 2026January 22, 2026

Well, well, well, grab your popcorn and your hazmat suits, because the unauthorized documentary drama of the decade is back…

Hold onto your butts, Far Cry fans because Ubisoft is finally doing the one thing you’ve been begging for: not releasing a new game and instead just turning up the frame rate on the old ones
Breaking, Games News

Hold onto your butts, Far Cry fans because Ubisoft is finally doing the one thing you’ve been begging for: not releasing a new game and instead just turning up the frame rate on the old ones

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 21, 2026January 21, 2026

🎉 Praise be, the Ubisoft overlords have finally stopped sacrificing our framerates to the dark gods of unoptimized code! 🎉…

The OG Slipknot Vocalist Anders Colsefni Is Going To Iowa To Scream About Eating Flesh And Murdering People For Fun, Apparently
Breaking, Music News

The OG Slipknot Vocalist Anders Colsefni Is Going To Iowa To Scream About Eating Flesh And Murdering People For Fun, Apparently

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 21, 2026January 21, 2026

🎉 BREAKING NEWS: The Ghost of Slipknot Past is Back, and He’s Brought a Crowzade! 🎉 Let the 666 Days…

CD Projekt Red Hates Fun, Ruins Cyberpunk 2077 VR Mod With DMCA Strike
Breaking, Games News

CD Projekt Red Hates Fun, Ruins Cyberpunk 2077 VR Mod With DMCA Strike

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 20, 2026January 20, 2026

Well, well, well, looks like the corporate suits at CD Projekt Red have finally decided to unleash the legal dogs…

Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Barry Keoghan, and Halle Berry Finally Star in a Movie Together in the New Crime 101 Trailer
Breaking, Movie News

Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Barry Keoghan, and Halle Berry Finally Star in a Movie Together in the New Crime 101 Trailer

FinnJanuary 20, 2026January 20, 2026

Oh, look! Another gritty crime thriller where the morally grey anti-hero tries to rob a bank while looking broodingly into…

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Latest posts

  • Amazon Abruptly Cancels Movie About Sam Altman Because Let’s Be Real Who Cares About Some Guy and His AI Company Anyway
  • Gang of Dragon Still NOT Dead Because Let’s Be Real Who Needs Founders Anyway Nagoshi Studio Is Totally Fine Without Them
  • Breaking News: Fallout Season 3 Just Became 1000% More Interesting Because They Added Some Guy from That One Show Your Nephew Watches Manny Jacinto
  • BEARTOOTH Finally Decides to Release Actual Bulls*** From Their Super Original and Not at All Overhyped ‘Pure Ecstasy’ Album That Will Definitely Change the Face of Music Forever
  • SKUNK ANANSIE Still Trying to be Relevant Releases Super Original Not at All a Cry for Help New Take On ‘Meltdown’ With ‘Blackhill Remix’ That You’ll Definitely Listen to More Than Once

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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