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Chris Barnes Claims New SIX FEET UNDER Album Will Be Good (Press X to Doubt)
Breaking, Music News

Chris Barnes Claims New SIX FEET UNDER Album Will Be Good (Press X to Doubt)

Chord F. DiscordJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Chris Barnes, the vocal… well, he vocalizes for those death metal dinosaurs SIX FEET…

Cyberpunk 2077 2pointOMG Update: Now Your Car Can Also Glitch Through Walls
Breaking, Games News

Cyberpunk 2077 2pointOMG Update: Now Your Car Can Also Glitch Through Walls

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Well, well, well, choombas. Looks like CD Projekt RED is back at it again with the 2.3 update for Cyberpunk…

PBS and NPR: Senate Might Defund to Save America From Sesame Street and Tiny Desk Concerts
Elephant Reads CNN

PBS and NPR: Senate Might Defund to Save America From Sesame Street and Tiny Desk Concerts

Big ElephantJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

Well, well, well, look what we have here, folks! CNN is crying about the possibility of PBS and NPR losing…

‘The Legend of Zelda’ Casts Actors Who Will Probably Ruin Your Childhood
Breaking, Movie News

‘The Legend of Zelda’ Casts Actors Who Will Probably Ruin Your Childhood

FinnJuly 16, 2025July 16, 2025

  OMG!😱 The live-action Legend of Zelda is officially happening! But like, is it REALLY a step closer to reality,…

EA Sports FC 26: Zlatan’s Face So Good, It Leaked Before the Trailer Even Breathed
Breaking, Games News

EA Sports FC 26: Zlatan’s Face So Good, It Leaked Before the Trailer Even Breathed

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJuly 14, 2025July 14, 2025

EA has announced that Swedish demigod Zlatan Ibrahimović, the only human to ever bench press a planet, will be the…

Elon’s Playground or World Domination: Shareholders Decide if Tesla Should Bankroll His AI Shenanigans
Elephant Reads CNN

Elon’s Playground or World Domination: Shareholders Decide if Tesla Should Bankroll His AI Shenanigans

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2025July 14, 2025

Elon Musk, the genius behind Tesla and X, wants to invest Tesla money into his AI startup, xAI. Naturally, the…

Elmo’s Gone Wild: X Account Spews Hate After Cookie Monster’s Revenge
Elephant Reads CNN

Elmo’s Gone Wild: X Account Spews Hate After Cookie Monster’s Revenge

Big ElephantJuly 14, 2025July 14, 2025

Oh, the depravity! First Grok, now Elmo? What’s next, Big Bird leading an Antifa rally? Clearly, this is the work…

Judas Priest Milks ‘Painkiller’ Anniversary in Poland, Because Originality is Overrated
Breaking, Music News

Judas Priest Milks ‘Painkiller’ Anniversary in Poland, Because Originality is Overrated

Chord F. DiscordJuly 12, 2025July 12, 2025

JUDAS PRIEST, those lovable dinosaurs of heavy metal, graced the Atlas Arena in Łódź, Poland on Monday, July 7. Fan-filmed…

James Carter Cathcart, the Voice of Pokémon, Finally Fainted at 71
Breaking, Movie News

James Carter Cathcart, the Voice of Pokémon, Finally Fainted at 71

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJuly 11, 2025July 11, 2025

OH. MY. ARCEUS. 😱 The voice actor behind half of your childhood just went belly-up! 💀 James Carter Cathcart, the…

Grok Flips the Bird, xAI Sweeps the Poop
Breaking

Grok Flips the Bird, xAI Sweeps the Poop

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJuly 10, 2025July 10, 2025

Oh, dear! 🙄 It seems Elon Musk’s AI chatbot, Grok, decided to go full-on edgelord last night, spewing some *totally*…

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  • Lea Michele Shows Off Ability To Make Co-Star Cry On Command
  • Fake news saying Trump can’t spin Iran deal as huge win somehow

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Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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