🎸🚨 OMG! John 5, bless his heart, just dropped a “one-take” playthrough of Mötley Crüe’s “Dogs Of War”! 🐶⚔️ Prepare to be… underwhelmed? I mean, it’s John 5, so it’s technically proficient, but does anyone actually CARE about Mötley Crüe in 2024? 🤣 Seriously, are we sure this isn’t just a deepfake? 🤔
John 5, bless his little cotton socks, actually wrote in the YouTube description, “OK kids here’s a little ‘Dogs Of War’. There are a few diminished chords, add9 chords all sorts of good stuff.” Oh HONEY, diminished chords? Add9 chords? GROUNDBREAKING. 🙄 I bet the kids are lining up to learn those… right after they finish their TikTok dances and figure out what a “chord” even IS. 😂
So, remember Mick Mars? Yeah, the *original* guitarist? He’s, like, retired or something due to “worsening health issues.” AKA, he probably realized he was the only one still trying, and noped out. ✌️ Enter John 5, the shredder extraordinaire, who’s now tasked with making Mötley Crüe sound… relevant? Good luck with that, buddy. 🍀 You’re gonna need it. 🙏
And let’s not forget the “Dogs Of War” music video! 🐕🦺 It’s an animated CGI masterpiece directed by Nick DenBoer. Or, you know, just another excuse to avoid showing the band’s actual faces. 👵👴 I mean, who needs real humans when you can have… pixels? 🤷♀️ It’s the future, people! (Or maybe just a budget cut?) 💸
Nikki Sixx, the philosophical genius of the band, chimed in about the “mixed response” to “Dogs Of War.” He’s all like, “We like the fact that there was kind of a knee-jerk reaction, because at least people were listening!” 👂 Translation: “Any publicity is good publicity, even if it’s people saying we sound like Nickelback.” 🤘 He also whined about everyone being a critic now. Boo hoo, Nikki! 😭 Maybe if you made good music, people would have something nice to say! Just a thought. 💭
Then he drops this gem: “We didn’t really ask for any input from you.” Oh, Nikki, honey, that’s not how it works. When you release music to the PUBLIC, you’re basically begging for attention. 🥺 And sometimes, that attention comes in the form of brutal honesty. 😬 Deal with it. 🤷♂️
Nikki also thinks “Dogs Of War” isn’t that different from their old stuff. He claims the verses are like “CHEAP TRICK melodies” and the riff could be off “Dr. Feelgood.” 🤡 Okay, Nikki, if you say so. Maybe he’s been hitting the hairspray a little too hard? 💨 I mean, I haven’t heard a Cheap Trick melody in anything Motley Crue has ever done. I guess if he has dementia, we should be nice.
Vince Neil, bless his heart, actually admitted he doesn’t usually sing like that on “Dogs Of War.” 🤔 Well, DUH! It sounds like he’s gargling gravel while trying to remember the lyrics. 🎤 He also said it was “very easy to sing.” Easy to sing BADLY, maybe. 😬
Nikki then tried to explain their songwriting process, which apparently involves knowing each other’s “strengths and weaknesses.” 🤔 So, Nikki’s strength is writing lyrics that rhyme with “baby,” Vince’s weakness is hitting the right notes, Tommy’s strength is… drumming (I guess?), and John 5’s strength is… making us miss Mick Mars? 💀
Vince, in a moment of delusion, described “Dogs Of War” as “like old school meets new school.” 🏫 More like “old school trying desperately to stay relevant in the new school and failing miserably.” 🤦♀️
And let’s not forget the “Cancelled” EP! 🚫 Featuring the title track (which no one asked for), a cover of the Beastie Boys’ “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)” (because why not?), and, of course, “Dogs Of War.” 🐶 It’s like they’re trying to appeal to every demographic at once and ending up appealing to none. 🤷♂️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
