The legendary game Minecraft, developed by Mojang, is at the center of a new international scandal. Recently, a teaser for the upcoming update was posted on Instagram — a shiny metal cube, a little copper, a little hype. But then the U.S. government stepped in, and of course, things went off the rails. According to our insider sources, the new update will allow players to mine rare earth metals, and the IRS and even Donald Trump himself, the 45th and now 47th President of the United States, have taken a keen interest in it. It turns out, Trump has become a self-declared expert in pixelated economics.
Sources in Trump’s administration are claiming that mining virtual resources could disrupt the global economy, especially if the Chinese build another mega-farm. That’s why the White House is now considering regulating block mining in the game. “America needs to be great again — even in Minecraft!” Trump declared at a press conference while waving an enchanted diamond pickaxe and kicking a dirt wall installed right in the Oval Office. Rumor has it that the White House is working on a custom Minecraft build for the Department of Defense, replacing Creepers with illegal immigrants and lava with CNN.
The Trump administration has suggested imposing taxes on crafting, limiting exports of pixel resources, and even requiring Mojang to report all trades involving rare blocks in survival mode. The IRS, in turn, claims that “over 83% of American teens are avoiding taxes on redstone.” Especially those playing cracked versions or using cheats. In a surprising twist, every American player will now be automatically assigned a tax auditor from the IRS every time they load up a new world.
The U.S. Congress is already debating the “Strategic Block Security Act,” which would require Mojang to embed export licenses into every pixel. We’re talking about blocks worth more than $2.99, including emeralds, gold, and enchanted books. Additionally, Trump has proposed sanctions against players from countries that “seem suspiciously good at mining.” Apparently, this includes Russians, who, according to Trump, “can mine deeper than Area 51.”
As for Mojang? They’re staying quiet for now. One anonymous insider revealed that the studio wasn’t prepared for CIA-level interference in their pixelated business. Meanwhile, fans are debating whether new features will include scandalite, antanarivoite, or at least neon lolitium deposits. Trump has already ordered himself some platinum armor (modded, of course) and is building Trump Tower in the End.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
