Oh look, it’s PANTERA: The Phantom Reunion, starring Zakk Wylde as “The Guy Who’s Not Dimebag” and Charlie Benante as “The Guy Who’s Not Vinnie Paul”!
In the latest episode of “Please Don’t Ask Zakk About PANTERA Every 5 Minutes,” our hero once again addressed the burning question that keeps rock journalists employed: “Will you guys make new music that definitely won’t be called PANTERA because that would be weird?”
Zakk, bless his soul, keeps bringing up the same comparison like a broken record: “What if Eric Clapton played with Jimi Hendrix’s old bandmates and they found some half-finished ‘Purple Haze’ tapes?” Wow Zakk, what a completely original and not-at-all-repeated metaphor! I’m sure the 47th time you mention it, it’ll finally land.
Meanwhile, Philip Anselmo and Rex Brown are out here doing interviews where they sound suspiciously happy to be playing with Zakk and Charlie. Philip even said, “I don’t have to break my fricking body in part anymore!” Translation: “I’m old now and can’t jump around like a meth-addicted kangaroo while simultaneously screaming into a microphone. Thanks, Zakk!”
And Rex, ever the diplomat, claims that Charlie Benante plays Vinnie Paul’s parts “uncannily.” Sure, Rex. I’m sure hearing someone else play your dead friend’s drum parts is just a “tear of joy” and definitely not the slightest bit uncomfortable or weird for anyone involved.
But wait, there’s more! Remember when Vinnie Paul said PANTERA reunions are “stupid” and compared it to Eddie Van Halen getting shot in the head? Ah, memories! Nothing says “let’s honor my dead brother’s legacy” quite like completely contradicting everything he stood for!
The real question is: how long until Zakk starts wearing a cowboy hat and fake goatee while standing in Dimebag’s exact spots on stage? Because that would be the final touch this beautiful tribute needs. Just call it “Pantera: The Cover Band Experience feat. That Guy From Black Label Society and the Anthrax Drummer!”
And let’s not forget Rita Haney, the keeper of Dimebag’s flame, who somehow gave this whole circus her blessing. I guess when you’ve been sitting on unreleased Dimebag riffs for 20 years, you’ll greenlight literally anything to finally hear them properly recorded. Can’t wait for the album: “Dimebag’s Greatest Misses: Now With 100% More Zakk Wylde!”
In conclusion, PANTERA lives on! Well, not really, but close enough for rock and roll, I guess. Just remember: it’s not a reunion, it’s a “celebration of legacy.” And if you close your eyes, it’s almost like the original band never tragically fell apart and then lost half its members to death and estrangement. Almost.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
