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Category: Breaking

Disney and OpenAI Just Made A Deal To Make Sora Into The Next Mickey Mouse
🚨 BREAKING: Disney Just Sold Its Soul to OpenAI for $1 Billion and a High-Five from Sam Altman 🙌💸
Breaking, Movie News

Disney and OpenAI Just Made A Deal To Make Sora Into The Next Mickey Mouse

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 11, 2025December 11, 2025

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry (and probably a few existential crises through the animatronic…

Trump crashes Warner Bros. drama, demands CNN be auctioned off like last season’s leftovers
Trump Finally Tells the Truth About CNN: It’s a Disgrace That Must Be Sold!
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump crashes Warner Bros. drama, demands CNN be auctioned off like last season’s leftovers

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

In a stunning and totally unexpected move, President Donald J. Trump, the greatest president in history and possibly all of…

Exclusive: Trump’s FEMA Council to Suggest Agency Slashes – Turns Out They’re Just Cutting Red Tape (And Maybe a Few Redundant Paper Clips)
Trump to Save Taxpayers from FEMA's Leftist Disaster: Agency to Be Slashed in Half and Rebranded as "FEMA 2.0"
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Exclusive: Trump’s FEMA Council to Suggest Agency Slashes – Turns Out They’re Just Cutting Red Tape (And Maybe a Few Redundant Paper Clips)

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

In a bold move to rescue America from the bureaucratic nightmare of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the Trump administration…

Families of Static-X’s Wayne Static and Wife Tera Wray ‘Vehemently Protest’ Unauthorized Documentary Shenanigans
Breaking, Music News

Families of Static-X’s Wayne Static and Wife Tera Wray ‘Vehemently Protest’ Unauthorized Documentary Shenanigans

Chord F. DiscordDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely nobody saw coming (except, you know, everyone with internet access), the families…

All the ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Clues in ‘Endgame’ (We’re All Doomed)
Breaking, Movie News

All the ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Clues in ‘Endgame’ (We’re All Doomed)

FinnDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Avengers: Doomsday is literally just Endgame: The Sequel – Because Apparently, We All Have Amnesia 🚨 😂 So,…

The Monthly Netflix Firehose: Prepare to Be Drowned in Content You Definitely Don’t Need
Breaking, Movie News

The Monthly Netflix Firehose: Prepare to Be Drowned in Content You Definitely Don’t Need

FinnDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

🎉 BREAKING NEWS: Bridgerton is back, and so is your will to live after binging it for the 17th time!…

When Red and Blue Team Leaders Finally Agree on Something: Punching People Is Bad, Actually
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

When Red and Blue Team Leaders Finally Agree on Something: Punching People Is Bad, Actually

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

Liberal Governors Whine About Political Violence While Trying to Start a Civil War In a stunning display of hypocrisy, Pennsylvania’s…

Instacart’s AI Is Playing Grocery Store Price Tag Roulette and You’re the Human Lab Rat
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Instacart’s AI Is Playing Grocery Store Price Tag Roulette and You’re the Human Lab Rat

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

The woke AI overlords at Instacart are now price-discriminating against American shoppers based on their perceived “price sensitivity” – because…

Kamala Harris Extends Book Tour to 2026 Because Apparently Even Her Memoir Needs a Second Chance
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Kamala Harris Extends Book Tour to 2026 Because Apparently Even Her Memoir Needs a Second Chance

Big ElephantDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

Kamala Harris announces 2026 book tour extension, now rebranded as ‘How to Lose an Election and Still Get Paid’ –…

KREATOR Declares War on American Sleep Schedules With CARCASS in 2026
Breaking, Music News

KREATOR Declares War on American Sleep Schedules With CARCASS in 2026

Chord F. DiscordDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

GERMAN METAL TITANS KREATOR DESCEND UPON AMERICA LIKE A HORDE OF ENRAGED BAVARIAN WEREWOLVES WITH A NEW ALBUM CALLED ‘KRUSHERS…

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Editorial
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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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