Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr.
ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told…
Category: The Onion
DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans…
JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area
The post JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area appeared first on…
Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon
LEXINGTON, KY—Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a…
Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely
The post Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely appeared first on The Onion. The post Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely…
Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French
The post Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French appeared first on The Onion. The post Victor Wembanyama…
Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns
Costco recalled almost 208,000 heated socks after customers reported first- and second-degree burns. What do you think? “You have…
U.S. Military To No Longer Require Flu Shots
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth issued a directive lifting the requirement that U.S. service members receive the flu vaccine, citing…
Bottle Girl Nods As Kash Patel Screams State Secrets In Ear
WASHINGTON—Smiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page…
Hot Young Priests Soaked In Holy Water During Vatican’s Annual Wet Vestment Contest
VATICAN CITY—In a wild and sacred competition attended by a screaming, raucous crowd of Catholic religious leaders at Saint…