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Category: The Onion

Top Songs May 2026
The Onion

Top Songs May 2026

FinnMay 29, 2026

       1 I DO NOT GIVE YOU CONSENT TO LISTEN TO THIS Chappell Roan 2 WE SAW THE FACE OF…

Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg’s Memories
The Onion

Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg’s Memories

FinnMay 29, 2026

       MENLO PARK, CA—Expressing frustration about the frequent error hampering the overall user experience, Meta Glasses wearers worldwide confirmed Friday…

South Korean Starbucks Apologizes For Ad That Evoked Massacre
The Onion

South Korean Starbucks Apologizes For Ad That Evoked Massacre

FinnMay 28, 2026

       South Korean businessman Chung Yong-jin, chairman of an investment group that owns a majority stake in Starbucks Korea, bowed…

Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community
The Onion

Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community

FinnMay 28, 2026

       SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local…

Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model
The Onion

Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model

FinnMay 28, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his…

Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The Onion

Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids

FinnMay 27, 2026

       The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs…

Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity 
The Onion

Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity 

FinnMay 27, 2026

       BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara…

Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine
The Onion

Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine

FinnMay 27, 2026

       STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up…

Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine
The Onion

Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine

FinnMay 26, 2026

       BETHESDA, MD—Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing,…

‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film
The Onion

‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film

FinnMay 26, 2026

       The post ‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film appeared first on The Onion.…

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