Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture
ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant…
Category: The Onion
New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money
WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged…
Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew
HAMDEN, CT—Admitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of…
Oprah Announces Closure Of School For Girls In Africa
Oprah Winfrey announced that the school she founded for underprivileged girls in South Africa will close next year, ending…
New ‘Ted Lasso’ Season Aims To Teach Viewers About Shapes, Colors
NEW YORK—Claiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lasso star Jason Sudeikis confirmed that…
Ring Launches Streaming Service
HAWTHORNE, CA—Providing customers with an expansive and growing library of premium content, smart doorbell manufacturer Ring launched a new…
Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps
ARLINGTON, VA—In what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced…
Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon
WASHINGTON—Promoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White…
Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate
FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced…
Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’
The post Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’ appeared first on…