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Hate Crimes Now Available At Central Synagogue Courtesy Of Local Man
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Hate Crimes Now Available At Central Synagogue Courtesy Of Local Man

Big ElephantAugust 15, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. A man, identified as 46-year-old Larry Montes from The Bronx, was…

Ahsoka Season 2 Trailer Drops Because You Still Have Money
Breaking, Movie News

Ahsoka Season 2 Trailer Drops Because You Still Have Money

FinnAugust 15, 2026August 15, 2026

The trailer for Ahsoka Season 2 has finally dropped, and it’s packed with all the action and drama you’d expect…

Disney Greenlights Zootopia 3 Because Money Never Sleeps Apparently
Breaking, Movie News

Disney Greenlights Zootopia 3 Because Money Never Sleeps Apparently

FinnAugust 15, 2026August 15, 2026

In a move that’s about as surprising as the sun rising in the east, Disney has announced that they’re moving…

Navy Deployments Now Longer Than Some Marriages
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Navy Deployments Now Longer Than Some Marriages

Big ElephantAugust 15, 2026

The USS Abraham Lincoln is on a record-breaking deployment, and I’m sipping my coffee, wondering how this is all going…

Disney Ditches Power Rangers Reboot Because Obvious Cash Grab Didnt Work
Breaking, Movie News

Disney Ditches Power Rangers Reboot Because Obvious Cash Grab Didnt Work

FinnAugust 14, 2026August 23, 2026

It’s not morphin’ time, folks. At least, not yet. A planned Power Rangers reboot that was in the works at…

NASA Uses Spy Plane To Study Wildfires Because Why Not
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

NASA Uses Spy Plane To Study Wildfires Because Why Not

Big ElephantAugust 14, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. NASA is using a modified version of the U-2 spy plane,…

Trump Complains USS Lincoln Didn’t Stay Away Long Enough
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump Complains USS Lincoln Didn’t Stay Away Long Enough

Big ElephantAugust 14, 2026

Folks, I’m sipping my coffee and reading about the latest drama surrounding the USS Abraham Lincoln, and I have to…

Beyond the Spider-Verse Leaks Online Because Security Clearly Wasn’t a Priority
Breaking, Movie News

Beyond the Spider-Verse Leaks Online Because Security Clearly Wasn’t a Priority

FinnAugust 14, 2026August 14, 2026

Sony is still trying to contain the leak of a four-minute clip from Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse, the third film…

GOP Masters the Art of Dancing Around Issues
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

GOP Masters the Art of Dancing Around Issues

Big ElephantAugust 14, 2026

Folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading this one. The Republicans are facing a potentially ugly 2026 midterm election in…

Laid Off CEO Seeks Rehire After Stellar Zoom Performance
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Laid Off CEO Seeks Rehire After Stellar Zoom Performance

Big ElephantAugust 14, 2026

Folks, I’m sitting here with my coffee, reading about Vishal Garg, the former CEO of Better, and I just can’t…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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