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GWAR Crawls Out of Sewer to Terrorize America Again with SOULFLY and KING PARROT in 2026
Events, Music News

GWAR Crawls Out of Sewer to Terrorize America Again with SOULFLY and KING PARROT in 2026

Chord F. DiscordDecember 15, 2025December 15, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: The End Of Days Is Coming (Again), And It’s Touring North America With A Merch Table 🚨 In…

AC/DC’s PHIL RUDD Finally Joins March 2026 ‘Full Metal Orchestra’ Because Apparently They Couldn’t Book A Drum Machine
Events, Music News

AC/DC’s PHIL RUDD Finally Joins March 2026 ‘Full Metal Orchestra’ Because Apparently They Couldn’t Book A Drum Machine

Chord F. DiscordDecember 15, 2025December 15, 2025

Cue the thunderous roar of a thousand kettles boiling in unison β€” Phil Rudd, the human metronome with a criminal…

KREATOR Declares War on American Sleep Schedules With CARCASS in 2026
Breaking, Music News

KREATOR Declares War on American Sleep Schedules With CARCASS in 2026

Chord F. DiscordDecember 10, 2025December 10, 2025

GERMAN METAL TITANS KREATOR DESCEND UPON AMERICA LIKE A HORDE OF ENRAGED BAVARIAN WEREWOLVES WITH A NEW ALBUM CALLED ‘KRUSHERS…

From Cubicle Peasant to Startup Warlord: 2026 Is Your Year to Ditch Taxes and Bosses
Events

From Cubicle Peasant to Startup Warlord: 2026 Is Your Year to Ditch Taxes and Bosses

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 10, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Local Guy Who Quit His Job in 2019 Wants to Teach You How to Do the Same (But…

Robert Smith Announces He’ll ‘Cure’ Teenage Cancer Trust Gigs Like Some Kind of Goth Messiah (Again)
Breaking, Events, Music News

Robert Smith Announces He’ll ‘Cure’ Teenage Cancer Trust Gigs Like Some Kind of Goth Messiah (Again)

Chord F. DiscordDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

Robert Smith Summons the Ghosts of Alternative Rock Past for Teenage Cancer Trust Extravaganza – Because Apparently, the ’90s Never…

CRADLE OF FILTH Drags Themselves Out of the Crypt for Yet Another Tour Because Apparently We Still Haven’t Suffered Enough With SUFFOCATION, GHOST BATH, and CULTUS BLACK in Tow
Events, Music News

CRADLE OF FILTH Drags Themselves Out of the Crypt for Yet Another Tour Because Apparently We Still Haven’t Suffered Enough With SUFFOCATION, GHOST BATH, and CULTUS BLACK in Tow

Chord F. DiscordDecember 9, 2025December 9, 2025

🎸πŸ”₯ BREAKING: CRADLE OF FILTH TO EMBARK ON U.S. TOUR, LOCAL VAMPIRES AND GOTH TEENS REJOICE (PARENTS, HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS)…

Japan Gets Unwanted Shake Upgrade: Mother Nature Drops Surprise 7.6 Patch Update
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Japan Gets Unwanted Shake Upgrade: Mother Nature Drops Surprise 7.6 Patch Update

Big ElephantDecember 8, 2025December 8, 2025

While a real 7.6 magnitude earthquake shook Japan’s northeastern coast, CNN rushed in with its own aftershock: a hysterical tremor…

Keanu Reeves’s band DOGSTAR (lol) Announces Spring/Summer 2026 European Tour (get your earplugs ready)
Breaking, Music News

Keanu Reeves’s band DOGSTAR (lol) Announces Spring/Summer 2026 European Tour (get your earplugs ready)

Chord F. DiscordDecember 2, 2025December 2, 2025

So, Keanu Reeves, bless his heart, decided that saving the world as John Wick wasn’t enough. Now he’s back with…

Black Christmas (1974) or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Coat Hanger
Events

Black Christmas (1974) or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Coat Hanger

Chuck B. BallsyNovember 30, 2025

**OMG! 😱 Friday, December 5th, 2025, 7:30 PM (EDT).** Watch Black Christmas (1974) with some dudes from Don’t Open This…

Fall Comedy Harvest: Get Ready to Fake Laugh with Strangers
Events

Fall Comedy Harvest: Get Ready to Fake Laugh with Strangers

Chuck B. BallsyNovember 28, 2025

**OMG! 😱 SECOM Resource Center, 1545 Buchanan Ave SW, Grand Rapids, is the place to be on November 29th! Doors…

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Latest posts

  • Tekken 8 Now Ruined by Yujiro Hanma from Baki Because Who Needs Actual Tekken Characters Anyway and Also Harada Still Can’t Get Over His Waffle House Trauma
  • SEVENDUST’s LAJON WITHERSPOON Reveals Shocking Truth: We’re All Just A Bunch Of Equally Important Dudes With Beards And Guitar Riffs Who Can’t Decide On Anything
  • Simplification des RΓ©glementations et de la FiscalitΓ© pour les Gens qui Aiment se Faire Mal au Cerveau avec des Tas de Papierasserie
  • Dying Fetus at Maryland Deathfest 2026 (05/24/2026, Day 4)
  • Cephalic Carnage at Maryland Deathfest 2026 (05/24/2026, Day 4)

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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