Hold onto your grandmother’s ashes, folks, because Florida’s favorite crypt-keepers, OBITUARY, are dragging their rotting carcasses out of the swamp for a “tour” that’s less “metal extravaganza” and more “geriatric mosh quest” 😂💀! Supported by CASTRATOR (who definitely didn’t choose that name to compensate for something) and INTOXICATED (probably how the band members will be by show #3), this nine-date adventure includes two whole nights where they’re opening for ACID BATH—because nothing says “legends” like being the warm-up act for a band most millennials think is a cleaning product. 🤘🧼
Tour Dates: Or, “Where to Ditch Your Kids’ College Fund 🎟️💸
- March 19 – Gainesville, FL – The Wooly (no CASTRATOR—we heard they got lost in a Hot Topic)
- March 20 – Birmingham, AL – The Canteen (where the only thing spicier than the riffs is the local Waffle House chili)
- March 21 – Pelham, TN – The Caverns (with ACID BATH, because who doesn’t want to watch death metal in a cave? 🦇⚰️)
- March 22 – Memphis, FL – 1884 Lounge (where the decor is rustic and the bartender is terrified)
- March 24 – Oklahoma City, OK – 89th Street (aka “The Place Hope Forgot”)
- March 25 – Columbia, MO – The Blue Note (a jazz club that will totally appreciate blast beats 🎷🔫)
- March 27 – Denton, TX – Rubber Gloves (named for what fans will need after handling the merch table)
- March 28 – Houston, TX – White Oak Music Hall (with HIGH ON FIRE, because joint custody with ACID BATH is cheaper)
- March 29 – New Orleans, LA – Tipitina’s (where OBITUARY will finally compete with Bourbon Street vomit for “most brutal sounds”)
“New Album? Maybe When Hell Freezes Over (Or Florida Sinks)” 🐊❄️
When asked about their next album—tentatively titled “Dying of We’re Tired”—drummer Donald Tardy gave a masterclass in maybe-manship: *“If we’re still alive by 2026… or 2027… or whenever our arthritis meds kick in, we *might* write some riffs. The fans deserve it… or do they? Anyway, buy our bio book!”* 📖💀
Let’s not forget, OBITUARY’s last album, “Dying of Everything”, dropped in 2023 after a six-year gap, which the band blames on COVID (but we all know they were just binge-watching Tiger King). Guitarist Trevor Peres reportedly muttered, “If we waited this long for another album, it better cure cancer.”
The Secret to Longevity? Low Standards & Cheap Beer 🍻
Donald credits the band’s 40-year career to “friendship”, “brotherhood”, and “not having backup careers”. Original members John Tardy and Donald met as kids in 1980, bonding over their shared love of “making noise” and “avoiding sunscreen”. After a hilariously long hiatus in the 90s (“We were busy discovering flannels and depression”), they crawled back because, apparently, retirement homes don’t host circle pits.
Fan Survival Guide For The Tour 🧟♂️🚑
- Earplugs: For the music and the crowd’s collective groaning about “back in my day.”
- Nose Plugs: OBITUARY’s fanbase smells like a mix of damp crypt and energy drink regret.
- Mobility Scooter: The pit moves slower than their album release schedule.
SEO-Friendly Graveyard Fluff ⚰️🔍
Look, if you’ve read this far, you’re clearly desperate for OBITUARY tour dates, CASTRATOR merch, or how to pronounce “Pelham, TN” (it’s “hell-hole”). Stream “Dying of Everything” now, or don’t—the band’s too busy “writing” (napping) to notice. 💤🎸
Tickets “on sale” Friday (assuming Ticketmaster’s servers survive the 12 people trying to buy them). 🤡🔪
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
