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Tag: The Thing

‘This is not over.’ Corporate America’s Epstein drama gets juicier than a reality TV reunion | CNN Business
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

‘This is not over.’ Corporate America’s Epstein drama gets juicier than a reality TV reunion | CNN Business

Big ElephantFebruary 18, 2026February 18, 2026

The Deep State’s Worst Nightmare: Epstein Files Expose Swamp Creatures’ Dark Secrets It’s finally happening, folks. The swamp is being…

Live

“Dr Jessamy Hibberd Reveals Secret: How to Finally Stop Your Brain From Ruining Everything”

Chuck B. BallsyFebruary 4, 2026

Stop overthinking! Or keep doing it – what do we care? 😅 Join us on **Zoom, Feb 4, 2026, 7pm…

Catherine O’Hara’s Greatest Hits: Stream These or Face Her Judgment
Breaking, Movie News

Catherine O’Hara’s Greatest Hits: Stream These or Face Her Judgment

FinnJanuary 31, 2026January 31, 2026

😱 OH NO, NOT CATHERINE O’HARA! THE QUEEN OF WEIRD HAS LEFT THE BUILDING! 💔 Well, folks, it looks like…

‘The Karate Kid’ and More Join the National Film Registry: Wax On, Wax Off, Now It’s Official
Breaking, Movie News

‘The Karate Kid’ and More Join the National Film Registry: Wax On, Wax Off, Now It’s Official

FinnJanuary 29, 2026January 29, 2026

Well, folks, the Library of Congress just announced their picks for 2025’s National Film Registry and, surprise, they’re preserving all…

A Completely Objective and Unbiased Ranking Of The Metroid Series That Will Definitely Not Anger Any Fans Whatsoever
Breaking, Games News

A Completely Objective and Unbiased Ranking Of The Metroid Series That Will Definitely Not Anger Any Fans Whatsoever

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 24, 2026January 24, 2026

Welp, 2025 is officially in the rearview mirror, which means we’ve somehow survived another trip around the sun without the…

How AI Can Save Small Businesses Time and Money (Or Just Give Them More Time to Scroll TikTok)
Live

How AI Can Save Small Businesses Time and Money (Or Just Give Them More Time to Scroll TikTok)

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨BREAKING: NJ Business Action Center Hosts AI Webinar to Teach Small Biz Owners How to Not Get Replaced by Robots…

Portland Shooting Sparks Questions About Whether Federal Agents Trained by Watching Too Much TV
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Portland Shooting Sparks Questions About Whether Federal Agents Trained by Watching Too Much TV

Big ElephantJanuary 9, 2026January 9, 2026

Portland Shooting: When Leftist Anarchists Meet Reality and Get Shot In a stunning turn of events that no one saw…

EXTREME Finally Decides to Make Another Album (Yes, They’re Still a Thing)
Breaking, Music News

EXTREME Finally Decides to Make Another Album (Yes, They’re Still a Thing)

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 5, 2026January 5, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: EXTREME ANNOUNCES SEVENTH ALBUM AFTER ONLY 3 YEARS OF SILENCE (A RECORD FOR THEM) 🚨 In a shocking…

Amorphis’s Santteri Kallio Thinks AI Music Videos Are the Future Because He’s Too Lazy to Hire a Director
Breaking, Music News

Amorphis’s Santteri Kallio Thinks AI Music Videos Are the Future Because He’s Too Lazy to Hire a Director

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 4, 2026January 4, 2026

Oh great, another day on the internet where we’re not just debating whether robots will replace us, but whether they’ll…

10 Remakes That Completely Butchered the Original in the Funniest Genres Possible
Breaking, Movie News

10 Remakes That Completely Butchered the Original in the Funniest Genres Possible

FinnJanuary 4, 2026January 4, 2026

🚨BREAKING: Hollywood Discovers That Copying Movies Is Cheaper Than Therapy, Proceeds to Ruin Everything We Loved 🚨 In a stunning…

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Latest posts

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  • AC/DC somehow still touring because boomers need something to do
  • Warframe Gets Yet Another Overhaul Because Why Not
  • RUSH somehow still functioning despite Geddy Lee’s old man illnesses

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
Editorial
Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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