In a shocking move that has sent shockwaves throughout the gaming community (and triggered more than a few internet meltdowns), CD Projekt Red has announced that it will exclusively feature DEI characters in all future games. The bold decision comes after accusations that «diversity-based hiring is destroying the studio.» To answer critics, the Polish developer decided to dive headfirst into the wokest waters possible, committing to only create characters who are socially conscious, body-positive, and, of course, ardent supporters of the US Democratic Party. 🌈💪
The highly anticipated Witcher Remake is the first to undergo the transformation, with Geralt of Rivia being completely revamped. «Geralt? Oh, honey, he’s out,» a spokesperson for CD Projekt Red said, wearing a Feel the Bern shirt. «In the remake, all characters will be black, plus-size, and deeply invested in dismantling oppressive systems of medieval fantasy patriarchy. In fact, we’re renaming the game The Witcher: A Safe Space in Time.» Expect to see Yennefer wearing plus-size armor designed for comfort and self-love. Also, Roach the horse will be vegan. 🐴🥦
But that’s not all. Project Orion, the sequel to Cyberpunk 2077, promises to take things to the next level. The game will star a non-binary protagonist with green hair, facial piercings, and proudly carrying a few extra pounds. «Finally, a hero we can all relate to,» the developers proclaimed. The game will have multiple options for protesting corporate greed, organizing grassroots campaigns, and defunding the police in Night City. All dialogue trees will offer choices like: «Challenge gender norms» or «Respect pronouns» as you face down corrupt megacorps with your only weapon — your inclusive vocabulary. 💚💥
Naturally, some corners of the internet have been in full meltdown mode, but CD Projekt Red remains unbothered. «Gamers who don’t like it can log off and touch grass,» the spokesperson added with a smirk. Word on the street is that The Witcher: DEI Edition will ship with an emotional support animal DLC to help players cope with any microaggressions they encounter along the way. 📦🐶
