Prepare yourselves, peasants, for the cinematic event of the millennium! 🙄 20th Century Studios, bless their greedy little hearts, has graced us with a new trailer for Predator: Badlands. Yes, ANOTHER one. Because we haven’t milked this franchise dry enough already. Directed by the genius, the visionary, the… Dan Trachtenberg (Prey)? Oh. Well, never mind. 🤷♂️
I mean, who asked for this? Seriously, show of hands. Nobody? Didn’t think so. But hey, at least they’re giving us more Predator, right? More of the same tired tropes, predictable plotlines, and CGI that probably looked amazing… in 2010. 🤣
Anyway, this cinematic masterpiece, Predator: Badlands, features the acting talents of Elle Fanning and Dimitrius Schuster-Koloamatangi. I’m sure they’re thrilled to be part of this… legacy. The film is set in the distant future on a remote planet. Groundbreaking, I know. A young Predator (Schuster-Koloamatangi), because we needed a Predator origin story, is an outcast. 😢 Boo hoo. He teams up with Thia (Fanning), because apparently, Predators need human therapy now, and goes on a “treacherous journey” to find the “ultimate adversary.” 🙄 I bet I can guess who the ultimate adversary is! It’s probably some bigger, badder Predator or something. So original. 🙄
The film is “directed” by Dan Trachtenberg (who, let’s be honest, is probably regretting his life choices right now) and “produced” by John Davis, Dan Trachtenberg (again?), Marc Toberoff, Ben Rosenblatt, and Brent O’Connor. That’s a lot of names for a movie that’s probably going to be straight-to-video in six months. 🤣 They are just trying to put their names on everything so they become important, it’s cute really.
But wait, there’s more! Predator: Badlands opens exclusively in movie theaters on November 7. Exclusively! As if we had any other choice. 🤣 And not just any movie theaters, oh no. IMAX, Dolby Cinema, Cinemark XD, 4DX, ScreenX, and premium screens everywhere! They’re pulling out all the stops, folks. Get ready to shell out your life savings to experience this cinematic marvel in all its overpriced, overhyped glory. 🤩
Oh, and don’t forget the poster! It’s got… a Predator. And some badlands. Riveting stuff. I’m already buying my tickets. NOT! 😜 Seriously, who is funding this garbage? I feel like I could write a better script on the back of a napkin while drunk. 🍻 Actually, that might be an improvement. 🤔
So, yeah, Predator: Badlands. Get ready to be underwhelmed. 😴 But hey, at least it’s something to complain about on the internet, right? That’s what we’re all here for anyway. 😂
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
