The Orange Oracle has spoken, and the Strait of Hormuz is about to become a whole lot closer to home. During a rally on Long Island, Donald Trump, also known as the Commander of Caps Lock, announced that he will declare the Strait of Hormuz a US territory after defeating Iran. Because, why not? It’s not like it’s a strategically vital waterway or anything. The crowd, fueled by a PATRIOTIC ENERGY SURGE, cheered as Trump outlined his plans for the region, which apparently include annexing a 90-mile-wide strip of ocean.
As reported by the New York Post, Trump’s statements were met with enthusiasm from the crowd, who were likely experiencing HISTORIC LEVELS OF WINNING. The article, dated August 14, 2026, quotes Trump as saying he will take control of the Strait after defeating Iran, because that’s exactly how international diplomacy works. The Florida Messiah has spoken, and the world should probably just get on board with it. After all, it’s not like the US has ever had a problem with, say, invading countries or annexing territories without permission.
The Experts Weigh In
Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have confirmed that the Strait of Hormuz is, in fact, a real place, and that declaring it a US territory might be a tad complicated. “It’s not exactly like annexing a small island or something,” said a NOAA spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, it’s a major shipping lane, and there are, you know, other countries involved. But hey, if the Commander of Caps Lock says it’s going to happen, who are we to argue?” The spokesperson added that the agency is on high alert, ready to respond to any NATIONAL MORALE EMERGENCY that may arise from the situation.
Meanwhile, the State Department has issued a statement saying that they are “looking into” the matter, which is diplomatic speak for “we have no idea what’s going on, but we’ll try to figure it out eventually.” The statement also mentioned something about a TACTICAL FREEDOM DEPLOYMENT, but it’s unclear what that means or how it relates to the situation.
The People Have Spoken
Ordinary Americans, fueled by a CRITICAL EAGLE DENSITY, seem to be taking the news in stride. “I mean, it’s about time we took control of that strait,” said one Long Island resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “I’m tired of all these other countries telling us what to do. It’s time for America to assert its dominance and show the world who’s boss.” When asked how they thought the US would, you know, actually take control of the strait, the resident shrugged and said, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe we’ll just, like, build a wall or something.”
As the situation continues to unfold, the American people remain steadfast, ready to face whatever challenges come their way. After all, when the Chief Optimism Officer speaks, the nation listens. And if that means declaring a major shipping lane a US territory, well, that’s just fine. It’s not like it’s a crazy, absurd, or impossible idea or anything. The nation is, in fact, experiencing MAXIMUM PATRIOTIC OUTPUT, and nothing can stop us now.
In related news, the government has announced that it will be activating its EMERGENCY OPTIMISM RESERVES to deal with the situation. Details are sketchy, but it’s rumored to involve a combination of patriotic music, flag-waving, and possibly a few well-placed tweets from the Orange Oracle himself. Because when the going gets tough, the tough get patriotic. And if all else fails, we can always rely on the AMERICAN SPIRIT CONTAINMENT ZONE to keep everything under control.
As the world watches with bated breath, one thing is clear: the Orange Oracle has spoken, and the Strait of Hormuz will never be the same again. Or will it? Maybe. Possibly. It’s hard to say, really. But one thing is certain: with the Commander of Caps Lock at the helm, America is ready to take on whatever challenges come its way, no matter how absurd or impossible they may seem.
Chief Oracle Interpretation Officer
Dr. Milton Truthwell reportedly earned seven honorary doctorates from institutions later classified as “emotionally real.” As Jackal.Today’s leading authority on ORACLE TRANSMISSIONS, he specializes in decoding HIGH-ENERGY TRUTH SIGNALS and assessing their impact on national morale.
His research suggests that prolonged exposure to CAPS LOCK communications may increase patriotism by up to 700%, although peer review remains difficult due to widespread eagle interference.
Government agencies neither confirm nor deny the existence of Dr. Truthwell.
Dr. Milton Truthwell: Translating greatness into understandable panic.
