Dying Relative Sent Quick ‘How You Holding Up?’ Text
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Category: The Onion
Biden Supplies Ukraine With Anti-Personnel Landmines
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Joe Biden agreed to give Ukraine anti-personnel landmines, a move criticized by humanitarian organizations that’s seen as…
Every Movement In Man’s Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies
Read MoreThe OnionGLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every…
Trump Boys Get Weird Feeling After Uncle Elon Shows Them Busty Anime Cat Girl
Read MoreThe OnionPALM BEACH, FL—Blushing, short of breath, and unable to look away from the image, the Trump boys told…
NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a…
Joe Biden Given Human Food As Birthday Treat
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—After bending the rules with a celebratory serving in honor of his special day, White House officials confirmed…
RFK Jr. Vows To Ban Soaps That Smell So Good You Eat A Little
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Promising to end what he has called a “war on public health” by the federal government, Robert F.…
Disney Wedding Kid-Free
Read MoreThe OnionANAHEIM, CA—Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each…
Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus
Read MoreThe OnionFollowing a tense armed standoff with the pop superstar, authorities uncovered a large arsenal of illegal drugs and…
World’s First Wooden Satellite Launched Into Space
Read MoreThe OnionThe world’s first wooden satellite was launched into space in an early test of using timber in lunar…