Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching ‘Amélie’ Without Any Hugs Or Kisses
MILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday…
Category: The Onion
Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees
The post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.…
Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers
CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate…
Strait of Hormones
The post Strait of Hormones appeared first on The Onion. The post Strait of Hormones appeared first on The…
University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair
WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S.…
98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness
U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to…
Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled
MILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email…
3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant
About 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at…
Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift
LOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy…
Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI
PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told…