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Category: The Onion

Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew
The Onion

Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew

FinnFebruary 20, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Exhausted from repeated efforts to explain the most basic aspect of political power, an aide to President Trump nevertheless…

Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex ‘Crazy’
The Onion

Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex ‘Crazy’

FinnFebruary 20, 2026

       BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Shifting uncomfortably in his chair and glancing around for the waiter, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was…

Buffalo Wild Wings Allowed To Continue Using ‘Boneless’ Chicken On Menu
The Onion

Buffalo Wild Wings Allowed To Continue Using ‘Boneless’ Chicken On Menu

FinnFebruary 20, 2026

       A U.S. district judge ruled Buffalo Wild Wings can continue to call its popular menu item “boneless wings” even…

Universe Practically Stumbling Over Itself To Reward Man’s Decision To Stop Making Art
The Onion

Universe Practically Stumbling Over Itself To Reward Man’s Decision To Stop Making Art

FinnFebruary 20, 2026

       SAN ANTONIO—Remarking upon the charmed existence he had led since changing his course in life, former illustrator Allan Mansour…

RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia
The Onion

RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia

FinnFebruary 19, 2026

       Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that a high-fat, low-carbohydrate diet, widely known as the keto diet, can…

Nation’s Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce
The Onion

Nation’s Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce

FinnFebruary 19, 2026

       AKRON, OH—Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the…

Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting
The Onion

Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting

FinnFebruary 18, 2026

       WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she…

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader
The Onion

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader

FinnFebruary 18, 2026

       South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his…

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone
The Onion

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone

FinnFebruary 18, 2026

       SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was…

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years
The Onion

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years

FinnFebruary 17, 2026

       Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects “an evolution in how…

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