Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement
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Category: The Onion
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
Read MoreThe OnionAmericans all across the nation are gathering today to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?…
FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and…
Manifest Dunce-ity
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Jack Smith Drops Election Interference Case Against Trump
Read MoreThe OnionSpecial Counsel Jack Smith requested that all federal charges be dropped against President-elect Trump over his alleged efforts…
Barron Trump Returns Home To Find Melania Converted Room To Unending Labyrinth Of Darkness
Read MoreThe OnionPALM BEACH, FL—Sighing as he pulled on the head of a gargoyle while searching for a secret entrance…
Fallopian Tube
Read MoreThe OnionWho says ectopic pregnancy has to be a bad thing? Pending a medically necessary eviction, this luxurious short-term…
‘You’re The Bonnie To My Clyde,’ Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Participating in the annual tradition one last time before leaving office, President Joe Biden reportedly told a pardoned…
Fact-Checking RFK Jr. On Health
Read MoreThe OnionRobert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, has faced…
God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son’s Blood
Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful…