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Category: The Onion

12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable
The Onion

12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable

FinnApril 14, 2026

       WABASH, IN—Emphasizing that her son’s young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler…

Hiker Airlifted After Being Stung By Bees Over 100 Times
The Onion

Hiker Airlifted After Being Stung By Bees Over 100 Times

FinnApril 13, 2026

       A hiker was forced to be airlifted after he was stung by bees over 100 times, with officials claiming…

Justin Bieber Performs Coachella Aftershow Lying Face-Down On Massage Table
The Onion

Justin Bieber Performs Coachella Aftershow Lying Face-Down On Massage Table

FinnApril 13, 2026

       The post Justin Bieber Performs Coachella Aftershow Lying Face-Down On Massage Table appeared first on The Onion.    The post…

Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball
The Onion

Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball

FinnApril 13, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Shocking Truth Social followers with a graphic insult to a nebulous opponent, President Donald Trump escalated a feud with…

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto
The Onion

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto

FinnApril 13, 2026

       SAN FRANCISCO—Following reports that a 20-year-old man had been arrested for throwing a Moltov cocktail at Sam Altman’s home,…

The Noble Prize
The Onion

The Noble Prize

FinnApril 13, 2026

       The post The Noble Prize appeared first on The Onion.    The post The Noble Prize appeared first on The…

U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia
The Onion

U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia

FinnApril 13, 2026

       WASHINGTON—In a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation,…

Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo
The Onion

Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo

FinnApril 12, 2026

       The post Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo appeared first on The Onion.    The…

CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch
The Onion

CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch

FinnApril 12, 2026

       AUGUSTA, GA—Saluting the illustrious sportscasters for their passionate work over the course of nearly 40 years in the Augusta…

Nation’s Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horn
The Onion

Nation’s Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horn

FinnApril 11, 2026

       The post Nation’s Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horn appeared first on The Onion.    The post Nation’s Sensitive Kids…

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