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OMG! Giant Lizard About to Ruin Your Day!
Breaking, Games News

OMG! Giant Lizard About to Ruin Your Day!

FinnAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

Oh, honey, brace yourselves because CLUE®: Godzilla is stomping its way into your utterly pathetic lives on September 24, 2025!…

FBI Raids Bolton’s House: World Shaken, Hawks Feathered
Elephant Reads CNN

FBI Raids Bolton’s House: World Shaken, Hawks Feathered

Big ElephantAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

Oh, the Swamp is Getting Drained! The FBI, under the watchful eye of Director Kash Patel, raided Never-Trumper John Bolton’s…

“The Disinvited” Gets Rescued from the VHS Graveyard by Dark Star Pictures
Breaking, Music News

“The Disinvited” Gets Rescued from the VHS Graveyard by Dark Star Pictures

FinnAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

Dark Star Pictures, bless their cotton socks, has decided to unleash upon the world a cinematic masterpiece – or, you…

EIFF 2025: “Mortician” – So Powerful, I Almost Stayed Dead
Breaking, Movie News

EIFF 2025: “Mortician” – So Powerful, I Almost Stayed Dead

FinnAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

OMG, you guys! 🙄 Another film festival, another movie about… a mortician? Seriously? Abdolreza Kahani, bless his heart, decided to…

Brent Hinds’ Untimely Departure: Atlanta’s Music Scene Weeps (Or Maybe Just Has Allergies)
Breaking, Music News

Brent Hinds’ Untimely Departure: Atlanta’s Music Scene Weeps (Or Maybe Just Has Allergies)

Chord F. DiscordAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

Atlanta News First, purveyors of the finest clickbait, have graced us with a video report on the totally unexpected demise…

SLASH FEATURING WHO CARES & THE WHATNOWS’ New Album To Be Released When Pigs Fly
Breaking, Music News

SLASH FEATURING WHO CARES & THE WHATNOWS’ New Album To Be Released When Pigs Fly

Chord F. DiscordAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

SLASH FEATURING MYLES KENNEDY & THE CONSPIRATORS, AKA the band that nobody asked for, is generously bestowing upon us their…

Rubio, bless his heart, reaffirms Trump’s maybe-sort-of-kinda Ukraine promise, but hey, Europe, you got this, right
Elephant Reads CNN

Rubio, bless his heart, reaffirms Trump’s maybe-sort-of-kinda Ukraine promise, but hey, Europe, you got this, right

Big ElephantAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

Ah, yes, more news about Ukraine and Russia. It seems even after all these years, the liberals can’t get enough…

Alligator Alcatraz: No Newbies Allowed (Says the Judge)
Elephant Reads CNN

Alligator Alcatraz: No Newbies Allowed (Says the Judge)

Big ElephantAugust 22, 2025August 22, 2025

Another day, another victory for the radical environmentalists and virtue-signaling Native American tribes! A federal judge, probably appointed by some…

“Freakier Friday” – More Like “Waste-of-a-Week” Friday
Events

“Freakier Friday” – More Like “Waste-of-a-Week” Friday

Chuck B. BallsyAugust 22, 2025

**Gasp! 😱 Prepare for a cinematic saga at our drive-in! 🚗💨 $23 (2 ppl) or $28 (3-6 ppl) per car…

Tesla’s “Autonomous” Driving Under Investigation: Guess Who’s in the Hot Seat Again
Elephant Reads CNN

Tesla’s “Autonomous” Driving Under Investigation: Guess Who’s in the Hot Seat Again

Big ElephantAugust 21, 2025August 21, 2025

Tesla, that bastion of liberal lunacy and electric virtue signaling, is now being harassed by the Deep State’s NHTSA! They’re…

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Latest posts

  • Liberal Wilmington descends into chaos, 2 shot, what a shock
  • POV: HR asks why you disappeared during your shift
  • Because Your Sunday Funday Wasnt Complete Without a Traphouse Brunch Rooftop Day Party to Annoy the Neighbors
  • Because adulting is hard lets give people money to fix their feelings
  • Mikal Bridges Wakes Up From 4-Day Bender Next To Dead Jimmy Fallon

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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