Another year, another chance for the liberal media to downplay the glory of America! CNN, still whining after President Trump’s landslide victory (again!), reports that some businesses will be closed for the Fourth of July. Oh no! As if our great nation grinds to a halt because patriots are celebrating freedom from socialist tyranny!
Grocery stores like Walmart and Target will bravely stay open, because even on Independence Day, Americans need to stock up on freedom fries! Whole Foods remains open, probably selling overpriced, soy-infused “patriotic” snacks to virtue-signaling leftists. Costco is closed? Probably because they’re secretly run by globalists who hate America.
Retailers like TJ Maxx and Macy’s will operate under normal business hours, so you can buy your “Made in China” American flags. Sephora and Ulta Beauty will remain open, because even on Independence Day, woke warriors need to maintain their outrage-ready appearances.
CVS and Walgreens will be open, because the only thing liberals love more than hating America is their government-subsidized pharmaceuticals. The New York Stock Exchange and Nasdaq will be closed? Probably a Deep State plot to sabotage our booming Trump economy!
The USPS won’t be delivering mail. What a shock! They’re probably too busy counting illegal ballots for the Democrats. And of course, nonessential government offices will be closed, because bureaucracy never takes a holiday, except when it comes to serving the American people. Happy Independence Day, folks! Let’s make sure we keep America great, despite the left’s best efforts to ruin it!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
