Oh no, Warren Buffett’s golden goose is finally laying rotten eggs! Berkshire Hathaway’s profits are tanking faster than Biden’s approval ratings—down 30% in Q4 and 6% for the year. Insurance underwriting took a $7.2 billion hit, because apparently even the Oracle of Omaha can’t outsmart the woke ESG insurance racket.
Greg Abel, Buffett’s handpicked successor (translation: “guy who won’t mess with the magic formula”), is now steering the ship. But let’s be real—can anyone fill those size-16 shoes without tripping over the golden goose? Abel’s first letter to shareholders was all “trust me, we’re still good,” but investors are nervously eyeing that $373 billion cash pile like it’s a liberal arts grad at a job fair—impressive but useless.
Buffett, still kicking at 95, is reportedly in the office five days a week, probably just to make sure Abel doesn’t start investing in solar-powered fidget spinners or something. Meanwhile, Berkshire’s annual meeting—aka “Woodstock for Capitalists”—is coming up, and it’s already missing its headliner. No Buffett means no candy-throwing from the stage or viral Squishmallow cameos. Just a bunch of suits wondering if their retirement funds are about to become liberal arts degrees.
The real tragedy? Buffett’s folksy wisdom is gone, replaced by corporate jargon about “stewardship” and “decisive action.” Yawn. We’re one ESG mandate away from Berkshire becoming the next woke corporate casualty. Wake up, Abel—before the goose stops laying entirely!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
