Oregon Rep Asks Trump To Be Her Valentine
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a touching display of old-fashioned romance, Representative Maxine Dexter of Oregon used a speech to publicly…
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🚨🚜 BREAKING: Kanye West Launches Chad Kroeger-Branded Excavators!
Los Angeles – 💥 Kanye West’s Yeezy.com online store was shut down over his controversial swastika T-shirts ❌👕, but the…
Man Helpfully Explains To Wife Why She Should Be In Better Mood
MURFREESBORO, TN — According to sources, local husband Scott Limber rescued his wife from depression by helpfully explaining why she…
Workplace Win: Trump Says It’s OK To Call Female Coworkers ‘Toots’
WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump has approved a measure normalizing once again the practice of calling female employees ‘Toots’. Read…
Sauron-Appointed Judge Rules Frodo Must Return Ring To Sauron
CIRITH UNGOL — The One Ring must be returned to its rightful owner, The Dark Lord Sauron, a Sauron-appointed judge…
GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation
Read MoreThe OnionThe post GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation appeared first on The Onion.
PBS Drops DEI, Announces Bert And Ernie Are Now Straight
ARLINGTON, VA — In response to mounting pressure from various stakeholders, the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) announced the immediate discontinuation…
Report: Honestly, Man You Saw Get Hit By Bus Can’t Stop Thinking About You Either
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources…
Hamas Gets Biden-Appointed Judge To Overturn Trump’s Order To Release Hostages
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump’s attempt to solve the long-running hostage situation between Israel and Hamas hit an obstacle…
Long Time No Semen
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Long Time No Semen appeared first on The Onion.