RFK Jr. Unveils New School Lunches That Are Just A 24-Ounce Ribeye And A White Claw
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Rober F. Kennedy, Jr.…
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HBO Bends the Knee to Rowling: Trans Rights? Apparently Not as Magical as Galleons! 🤑
Well, well, well! It seems like the goblins at HBO have finally done their math. Turns out, «canceling» J.K. Rowling…
Trump Admits Entire Political Career Has Been WWE Storyline To Set Up Match With Cody Rhodes
Read MoreThe OnionPALM BEACH, FL—Revealing that the stage was first set in 1999 with his short-lived Reform Party run, President-elect…
Political Profile: Matt Gaetz
Read MoreThe OnionPresident-elect Donald Trump selected Matt Gaetz as his choice for attorney general. Here is what you need to…
Dying Relative Sent Quick ‘How You Holding Up?’ Text
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Dying Relative Sent Quick ‘How You Holding Up?’ Text appeared first on The Onion.
Sweet Victory! 10 Things Republicans Can Be Thankful For This Year
Not only is it morning in America once again, but it’s almost Thanksgiving morning in America. This year, Republicans have…
Wife Commits Seppuku In Shame After Failing To Clean Up Before Cleaning Lady Arrives
FLINT, MI — A local suburban neighborhood was thrown into shock after news spread that housewife Eleanor Schmidt had just…
After Illegal Immigrant Found Guilty Of Murder, Dems Sentence Him To Flying Coach
ATHENS, GA — Justice was finally served in the wake of an unspeakable tragedy, as after an illegal immigrant was…
Company Has Too Many Dans
JACKSON, MS — In a recent company audit, Grayson Manufacturing learned the company has a concerning surplus of employees named…
Biden Supplies Ukraine With Anti-Personnel Landmines
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Joe Biden agreed to give Ukraine anti-personnel landmines, a move criticized by humanitarian organizations that’s seen as…