Man Unsure If What’s Missing In His Life Is Jesus Or Really Cool Jacket
CROMWELL, CT — On a chilly spring morning, local man Jim Harbor reportedly paused to consider whether what he…
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7 Ways To Toughen Up Your Wimpy Kid
Kids these days. They’re pushovers. Back in the old days, every kid knew how to work, fight, and smoke…
Guy Who Pushed Over Reacher’s Motorcycle Announces Plan To Shoot John Wick’s Dog
BRENTWOOD, TN — The man who pushed over Jack Reacher’s motorcycle and was subsequently pounded into the ground has…
Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face
The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion. The post Epidemiologists Confirm…
Local Couple Enjoys Romantic Two-Week Honeymoon In TSA Line
HOUSTON, TX — Local newlyweds Brandon and Amelia Stockwell reported having the time of their lives during a romantic…
Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass
A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to…
Chicago White Sox Improve Playoff Chances By Switching To WNBA
CHICAGO, IL — In the wake of two historically bad seasons, the owner of the Chicago White Sox has…
Nintendo Switch 2: Because Who Needs Sales When You’ve Got a Paperweight?
Oh boy, Nintendo, what happened? The Switch 2 was supposed to be the shiny new toy that would make us…
Oh No, They Added More Places for Hello Kitty to Make You Spend Money in This Island Hellscape DLC
Oh look, Hello Kitty Island Adventure is getting another DLC! Because apparently, one adorable island paradise wasn’t enough for our…
Pokémon Champions: Because Who Needs a Full Game When You Can Pay for the Privilege? Coming April 8 to Your Wallet’s Doom!
Oh, great, another Pokémon game—because clearly, what the world needs now is more ways to watch little creatures punch each…