Elon Musk Offers Self $10 Billion Federal Buyout
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch’s ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday…
Category: The Onion
Americans Start Stockpiling Moose Ahead Of Tariffs
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Rushing to purchase the hoofed mammals before the Trump administration’s tariffs on Canadian imports went into effect, Americans…
Technically Woman Gentrifying Land Of Potawatomi People
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood’s current residents, local woman Ellen…
Court Rules Elephants Can’t Sue To Leave Zoo
Read MoreThe OnionThe Colorado Supreme Court unanimously ruled that five elderly elephants don’t have legal standing to sue to leave…
Karla Sofía Gascón Apologizes After ‘Emilia Pérez’ Resurfaces
Read MoreThe OnionALCOBENDAS, SPAIN—Responding to backlash after the resurfacing of a 2024 film in which she appeared, Karla Sofía Gascón…
Flu Vaccines: Myth Vs. Fact
Read MoreThe OnionDespite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American…
Area Man Forges Ahead In Pursuit Of Numbness With Third Slice Of Pie
Read MoreThe OnionSCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered…
Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit appeared first on The…
Nation Vies For Approval Of Cool Dog
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area…
Trump Claims God Spared Him In Airplane Crash
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Saying it was only by divine intervention that he was still standing, President Donald Trump stated during a…